A Wizard Appears Unto You

Drive-Thru Snippet #1

2011-11-28T11:32:00.003-07:00

I'm pretty sure this morning I asked the guy at McDonald's for a Fruit and Opal Mate-Meal. Surprisingly, he understood what I meant, which was even more remarkable because English was clearly his second language.. I wonder if that is the first time somebody asked for a Fruit and opal mate-meal. It doesn't sound very appetizing.

My Blog: A Beacon of Warmth.

2011-11-03T14:47:00.007-06:00

First off, I'd like to draw your attention to the word warmth. Say it out loud. Have you ever asked yourself why you insert a silent "P"? WARMPTH. WARMPTH. Just saying.

Okay. Second item of business, I believe I owe all 2.5 of you an apology for my neglect of this blog. Just know it is a reflection of how boring I am and has nothing to do with how much I value my legion of readers. Now, I would hate to give the impression that nothing noteworthy ever happens to me. Life is grand. I do stuff all the time. I just haven't been inspired in the blog medium. I write songs, dream up teen fantasy novels, and even occasionally delve into the world of pottery. In short, I am more inspired than I can explain... Just not as a blogger. At least not in a way that is satisfactory to me.

The last thing I ever want to do is turn this blog into a show and tell blog. ie Today I went to a pumpkin patch. Here is a picture of me with a pumpkin. Here is a picture of Lorraine with a pumpkin. Here is a picture of Lorraine and I with a hobo scarecrow. The hot chocolate was the best! Scarves. Blah blah blah.

If my blog isn't inspired in my own quirky little way, then I put it on ice. And while it is depressing to see that I only have one entry so far for all of 2011, it is far better than the alternative.

PuMpKiN FuN!

P.S. That is a pumpkin patch that I planted and neglectfully cultivated along with a few coworkers and friends for fun. The pumpkin patch turned out alright, except that we didn't really market it and now I've got a field-full of rotting pumpkins.

So I was feeling inspired to post because my sister Lacey mentioned that whenever my other sister, Kayli talks to her on the phone from her dorm room in the hinterlands of Rock Springs, Wyoming, she laments that I do not blog. I must admit that I am a horrific long distance friend... Possibly the worst. That goes for family too. If I don't see you, I don't talk to you. That is not to say that my love for you has diminished, only that my attention span rivals that of a domestic chicken (whose population is over twice as numerous as the human race according to this NPR article) ...Anyway... to quote Lacey's message directly, "It's her only connection to you in her dark, cold world." Now I'm sure Kayli's world is just fine. But I do enjoy the idea that my blog is possibly a bizarre beacon of warmth to those who have followed it over the years. Besides that, I would like her connection to me to be a little more up-to-date than some lie I posted in March about how I was going to start blogging more. So here it is.

So what started my conversation with Lacey in the first place was that I was listening to Christmas music streaming from the FM 100 website, because as we all know, the holiday season begins on the first of November. Anyway, I was listening to some Holiday tunes, and heard Karen Carpenter's ageless croon, so I decided to spread the cheer to my sister by sending her my favorite line of the song (Which I believe I have mentioned on here before.) "Logs on the fire fill me with desire..."

Anyway, that was my attempt at a segue to my holiday '12 plans. I have decided in the interest of not driving my coworkers, wife, and least importantly myself crazy, that I will not be keeping a strict count of holiday songs this year. I know, I know, it was the only thing that made my blog interesting. Well, the captivation that you all enjoyed as you checked the train wreck that was my immersion into two months of non-stop Christmas tunes came at great cost. The ruination of traditional Christmas cheer. I don't know, I guess there's something about me groaning and shaking my head violently on Christmas Eve as I listen to Feliz Navidad for the forty-fifth time of the season that sort of sucks the joy out of the festivities. So as a compromise, I have decided to begin listening to holiday music early as always, but only when I want to. No more weaponizing Christmas music. So no more song counts, or violent Christmas blog post outbursts. I am enjoying my Christmas torture... in moderation.

Confessions of a Busy Blogger

2011-03-04T17:37:00.004-07:00

It's late Friday afternoon and I'm alone at work. Here's my confession: I never get on computers unless I'm at work. Therefore if I am blogging regularly, it can be assumed that I have a lot of down time at my job. What then, is inferred by my lack of posts over the past couple of months? You guessed it, I have been busy at work. I got a promotion, and I guess that means I got busier. Enter a new phase of boring blogging.

I am glad to be more productive, and to be compensated accordingly, don't get me wrong. But within the deep recesses of its soul, (they have those you know,) my blog longs for a simpler day. I'm not talking about last year. The blog was pretty sparse then too. I'm talking back when I was unemployed. My life is so much happier now than it was then; before I moved back to Utah Valley, before I reentered the world of employment, and most importantly, before I met, fell in love with, and married Lorraine. It was a time when I literally had two daily focuses: School, and blogging. It made for a fantastic blog, (if I do say so myself,) but not a very well rounded or fulfilled person. Currently I am feeling much more fulfilled, and endlessly happier, but this blog feels like a ghost town, which is weird, because I usually love ghost towns. I guess not in this case.

Will I ever find a happy medium between the bygone days of multiple blog posts daily, and the wonderful, but blog-deficient life that I now lead? I hope so.

What is the first step? After such a lull in blog activity, what topic could possibly meet the built-up expectations of my approximately 3.5 regular readers? Democracy in the Middle East? Earth-shaking personnel changes on my Utah Jazz? My experience of trying and failing to get used to contact lenses? My epic haircut? My opinions and predictions for the season finale of The Bachelor?!

Oops. Out of time. Be back soon?

You bet against me bringing Pan back here, didn't ya?

2010-12-13T12:59:00.002-07:00

I would like to address your lack of faith in the staying power of Holiday Torture '10. I am a busy man. (I accidentally typed "I am a busty man" HA!) I can't keep track of every song on my notable list in real time. If you can't accept that then I will throw you in the boo box.

Do not for a second, think that I have given up on my quest. I present to you the newly updated holiday torture list.

I have a short story to share with you in addition to my update, just so the readers don't think I've forgotten about the blog.

A couple weeks back I was in the self check-out at the grocery store buying eggs. After I tried unsuccessfully to get the scanner to read the bar code on the packaging, the cashier who oversees the self-checkout came over to assist me. The following is the reenacted conversation for your reading pleasure.

Cashier lady: Can I help you with something?

Dan: I'm having a rough time getting the bar code to read.

Cashier lady: Sometimes these cartons don't read very well.

Dan: Well I guess I just picked a bad egg. (<--PUN)

Cashier lady: (Stoically) Let me type in the code.

Dan: Egg-cellent (<-- PUN!)

Cashier lady: (Morosely) There you go, have a nice evening.

Really?! Not even an acknowledgement? Come on.

HOLIDAY PLAGIARISM!

2010-11-16T10:26:00.002-07:00

Does the melody for "Hey Santa, Hey Santa..." Sound familiar? YES, IT DOES! This song is truly torturous because it skews a cherished childhood memory and replaces it with Carnie & Wendy Wilson sitting on a polka dot couch. Wendy is getting hit on by elves and Carnie is fumbling with her Clarissa Explains It All hat. Santa is thrown from a second story balcony and crashes behind them, sustaining serious injuries. I can't stand for it any longer. I cannot allow that tune to be sullied in this manner. I must bring this vile plagiarism into the light of day.

Ahhh. That's better. I always wanted one of these. The tune has stuck with me since my early childhood, and I will let nobody, YES NOBODY, (THAT INCLUDES YOU CARNIE) to take this memory away from me.

As a small side note, can we all agree that the claymation Saturday morning shorts of yesteryear were the bees knees?

Chat Snippet O' The Day #2

2010-11-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

me: that would be awesome
i just totally forgot how to write the word mabye
mabey
maby
HELP!
maybe
oooh that's better

Lorraine: HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Chat Snippet O' The Day

2010-11-11T16:40:00.002-07:00

me: i miss you

Lorraine: i miss yuo too please

me: Who's Yuo?! I'll KILL HIM!

Lorraine: hhahahhahah!! you jealous nut!!

me: You have an Asian lover on the side, eh? I see how it is!

Lorraine: you're so possessive.
DANNY!!!

me: :P

Lorraine: you're both deeply offending me AND making me laugh out loud at work!!!!

2010-11-10T17:39:00.001-07:00

I would rather spend a hundred years as a background singer for Elvis' "Blue Christmas".

Truly Awful Christmas Song

2010-11-10T17:03:00.003-07:00

Is this The Pretenders singing "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," or did Phoebe Buffay from Friends just walk into the room and try to cleanse my aura? This is so bad. Here is a Christmas-themed list of things I'd rather do than listen to this song:

-I would rather spend Christmas in prison than listen to this song.

-I would rather have George Michael sing "Last Christmas" one inch away from my face than listen to this song.

-I would rather be force fed one thousand regular candy canes than listen to this song.

-I would rather go to the Black Friday Jammy Jam at the South Towne Center.

-I would rather be haunted by the ghost of Burl Ives.

-I would rather be transported back in time to the set of Santa Clause with Tim Allen.

Please feel free to submit your own "I would rathers" in the comments section below.

The Day of Reckoning: Holiday Torture '10

2010-11-05T09:45:00.005-06:00

What exactly is Holiday Torture? Starting November 9th, 2009 I began listening to Christmas music non-stop on KSFI, a local soft hits radio station. I listened every time I drove in my car, every time I sat down at my desk, basically 6 hours every work day until Christmas day. Figuring about two hours of drive time every weekend, and using the unmatched power of maths, I have deduced that I listened an average of 5.29 hours of Christmas music every day for 47 days. Lets round down to five hours even. I listened to 235 hours of Christmas music.

Why did I subject myself to the same rotation of fifty or so songs, over and over for a month and a half? Why am I doing it again? Great question. Answer= Because I am possessed by a Christmas Demon! Plus last year I made a mistake. The Christmas rotation doesn't start on the ninth. This year it started on November 5th on KSFI, and the evening of November 4th on its softy counterpart KOSY. I must beat my old record.

Logs on the fire fill me with desire.

It's Coming...

2010-11-01T12:20:00.003-06:00

There is a faint rumbling on the horizon. Is that the sound of a thousand jingle bells roaring out in pain? FM 100's website has already made the inevitable Christmas transition. Its two zeroes are now blood red Christmas ornaments, snowflakes fall gently across the home page like fallout in a war zone, and now it is a matter of time before the madness takes the airwaves. My coworkers and wife have all begged me to forget about the imminent holiday tide. But I cannot. I am as powerless against it as a menorah in an ice storm. It commands, and I obey.

Holiday Torture '10

Umm... Carlton Banks Anyone? Part II

2010-10-29T16:38:00.001-06:00

Funny, I don't seem to remember Carlton having those dance moves.

Umm... Carlton Banks Anyone?

2010-10-29T16:15:00.003-06:00

First off, Janeen Brady FTW. I was raised on her Mormon inspirational children's tunes. I still recall running around uncontrollably with my brother and sister to "See Me Run". The very thought of the song causes me to begin foaming at the mouth. This song is a Janeen Brady classic.

Second, CARLTON FREAKING BANKS! MORMON COMMERCIAL! This must have been when he was visiting cousin Will in West Philadelphia.

The People Have Spoken: LACEY'S BLOG

2010-10-22T17:44:00.002-06:00

Ladies and gentlemen...
Today is a day of monumental importance. It is the day that one voice became many, and many rose up as one. It is a day when several individual souls rose up and stood together in a spirit of unity, demanding that their fundamental needs be met. MORE LACEY!

Today is the day...

LACEY'S BLOG

Landscape Architect FAIL!

2010-10-22T12:34:00.005-06:00

So, I'm working a bid for an apartment complex. After taking a closer look at the type of concrete curbing this job calls out for, I'm not sure we're interested in that type of work. Let me reiterate that this is in fact an estimate that I am actually working on.

How exactly does one install excreted concrete mowcurb? Sounds labor intensive.
(Note: It is supposed to read "EXTRUDED")

Petition for a Lacey Blog!

2010-10-20T16:06:00.002-06:00

Are you sick and tired of going through your day without access to the inner-most thoughts of everyone's favorite Lacey? Well then, let your voice be heard here in the comments section below. AMERICANS FOR A LACEY BLOG! Let's take back Lacey. This is a Lacey I can believe in.

Trumpet Fail.

2010-10-05T14:29:00.003-06:00

Dear Blogosphere,

Trumpeting Thunder has ceased to be awesome, and has decided to format his "pink elephant" pink blog in such a fashion that a maniacal right wing REAL AMERICA politician is censoring our freedom of blog speech, and blocking the people's blog links to such an extent that blogstalking has become nearly impossible.

Will we STAND for this injustice? Will we let the trumpet of tyranny blaze in our pathetic pondscum plebian ears, or will we fight?? I say FIGHT! FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO BLOGSTALK!!!!

From the great representative of the people,

Mrs. Thunder, aka, Thunder Hooves.

Just Another American Saturday (Friday) Night

2010-09-24T14:06:00.002-06:00

Brad Paisley concert tonight!

I AM NOT ASHAMED!

Send The Message Tonight!

2010-09-15T17:23:00.005-06:00

My hero... remixed.

I love this guy because he is a caricature of actual American politics. Is he really that different than the rest of our hyperbolic fear mongering politicians with their divisive politics and all of their doom and gloom? This guy is a breath of fresh air if only because he has dropped the facade. VOTE PHIL DAVISON!

The Dan Lance Beebe Answering Service

2010-09-14T14:59:00.002-06:00

A sales person called my work. I answered the phone,
"This is Dan".
She replied "Is Lance Beebe there?"
I responded "this is Dan Lance Beebe, how may i help you?"
"Are you the owner, sir?"
"Yes I am."
"Do you take credit cards?"
"No"
"Are you interested.... blah blah blah?"
"I don't trust credit card companies. I think they're trying to steal my house."
"We also offer websites..."
"What's a website?"
"A website is something your customers can access..."
"Oh, you mean those pictures you see on those... those... computer things?"
"Yes."
"I don't believe in computers, so I'm not interested. Thanks."

The Great Salt.... Wait

2010-09-02T23:20:00.007-06:00

It's hard to skip rocks when the actual lake is miles from the high water mark. Even so, our Great Salt Lake adventure was a success. First, we took pictures of the sunset as seen from an abandoned building.

Afterwords we started trekking towards an optical illusion which we believed to be the shoreline. After a fifteen minute hike we realized how far away we really were. We decided we were close enough.

After we hiked back to the car we tried to drive towards Magna, but instead ended up at a landfill. During adventures more often than not, the destination is the least important part of the night. The most important part: being stranded at a landfill with a killer on our tails. Either that or the massive banana split I ate once we got back to Sugarhouse.

All in all, as I've made abundantly clear, today's adventure was more fun than anything you people did. So there.

Destiny Accomplished... Sort of.

2010-09-02T14:39:00.003-06:00

My hunger is deeply satisfied, and I am happy to see that Lorraine has posted our honeymoon pics on facebook. New Orleans was incredible. More to come on that later.

In continuation of my attempt to embrace my destiny, tonight Lorraine and I are going to skip rocks in the Great Salt Lake. A true adventure.

Del Destino

2010-09-02T12:43:00.002-06:00

It's time for lunch my friends. It's time to envelop myself in the warm embrace of cheap faux-mexican food. It's time for Del Taco.

Bubble Tape-Colored Blog

2010-09-01T12:59:00.003-06:00

It's that time of year. Time for the pink blog and its accompanying renaissance of blogging thought.

28. Looks like I won't be joining the club.

2010-08-31T16:58:00.006-06:00

Birthdays for me have never been a big deal. For the past several years, I have requested the gift of waiting to celebrate for a few weeks until my dad's birthday and having a joint party so as to avoid the full brunt of birthday attention. As much as I appreciated the affection of my family and friends, I preferred to have my birthday be as unnoticed as possible. Well understandably, Lorraine wasn't going to let me get away with that this year, as my birthday doubled as our one month anniversary. Let me just say, that the past month has been unbelievable, and I've never been so happy and excited for the future.

My 28th birthday has to go down as one of my all-time favorites. First, Lorraine made me pancakes that said words. She also allowed me to put them on a plate that says "You are special today". I like to think that I am special on other days as well, but I'll take whatever recognition I can get.

Garit took me out to eat at our favorite lunch haunt Wallaby's and we discussed infusing my camera with science.

After work Lorraine took me to a Middle Eastern restaurant called Mazza Cafe and I lost my mind, the food was so good. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for something a little different up in the Salt Lake area. I was like Bob Wiley eating hand-shucked corn.

When we got home Lorraine had made me an amazing cake with jam in the middle and homemade whipped cream topping. I ate seconds even though I was full and I also ate some more for breakfast this morning.

Thanks for everything, my friends and family! It's good to be loved.

Hair Salon Waiting Room: The Tension Builds

2010-08-29T12:10:00.005-06:00

Recently Lorraine and I have both become exasperated with our respective hair situations. Lorraine finally broke down and decided to get her hair cut, and I came along. So here I sit, stealing wireless from the Starbucks next door. Hair cuts are always really complicated for me. First, I never know what I want to do. For example, right now, I oscillate between wanting a slight trim, a long hair style, a short hair style, and a self-buzz cut on an almost daily basis. This always seems to be a problem because when I show up to a stylist, I have little to no input, and inevitably, I get an ugly haircut. This leads to complication #2. I work under the assumption that these people are experts on what hair styles look good on me. Therefore, when they finish cutting, and I look at the damage, I am either too unsure, or too nervous to call them out. So the haircut looks stupid, and I'm stuck with it until my next haircut or until I shave it all off. So despite the fact that my hair is driving me crazy, and my hair is broken and split and pretty much awful, I just can't bring myself to do anything about it. Sitting here, in the salon waiting room, I feel the tension build. The inevitable day of reckoning is on the horizon. It is just a matter of time.

Close Call.

2010-08-26T14:44:00.003-06:00

Every morning I pry myself away from Lorraine and commute from our Sugarhouse apartment to Pleasant Grove. It is a forty minute commute, but it is against commuter traffic, and therefore is generally uneventful.

This morning I was running about ten minutes late and so I made my way over to the fast lane and hit cruise control going just under 75 MPH, with the flow of traffic. As I neared 90th South, about fifteen minutes into my drive, I saw a man on a motorcycle directly in front of me. He was on one of those glorified freeway scooters and was wearing both a full helmet, and a leather jacket. Thinking nothing of it, I continued on my way, driving directly behind him.

All of a sudden I visualized the man laying his bike down and bouncing under the carriage of my car. I envisioned the whole thing happening before my eyes, and even felt the thumping beneath my feet. I have never imagined an accident like that before, especially not so vividly. It made me so nervous, I immediately slowed down to give myself a generous following distance. As is typical in these parts, someone filled the spot I had just vacated directly behind the motorcyclist. I was very wary, although I couldn't explain why.

Within thirty seconds, traffic ahead stopped abruptly, causing us all to brake hard. The car in front of the biker slammed on the brakes, causing him to do the same. He couldnt stay upright and laid his bike down on the freeway, totaling it instantly. I watched in awe as he bounced and rolled violently, with pieces of his bike tumbling around him, just as I had seen it moments before. The pregnant woman in the car in front of me slammed on her brakes and missed hitting the man by about five feet. Despite my generous following distance due to my premonition, I missed her by even less. I have no doubt that had I not slowed down, I would have been directly behind that bike, and I would have crushed him.

The man lay motionless on the interstate, his leather jacket scraped and torn, his leg positioned awkwardly, but his head completely intact, minus some major gashes in his helmet. He was conscious, and thankfully one of the witnesses to the accident was a nurse. I stood by as he told her, in what I'm sure was a state of shock, how bummed he was that he'd ruined his new helmet. Anyway, I think he's fine. The ambulance arrived about fifteen minutes later and took him away on a stretcher.

As I stood on the freeway, emergency lights flashing, I watched the traffic merge into the three right lanes, rubbernecking as they passed. I watched two bikes drive by, two riders on one, one on the other. All three without helmets.

Want To Trade Your Peanut Butter Sandwich For My Caviar?

2010-08-25T16:42:00.004-06:00

Sunday before last, Swell Season came to Salt Lake and we really wanted to see them. Unfortunately, tickets were a little out of our price range. The day before, Lorraine excitedly told me about a promotional contest that Whole Foods Salt Lake was doing on their Facebook page. The request was seemingly simple: "...Post your favorite brown bag lunch. We'll pick our fav!" Simple right?

Lorraine eagerly entered her selection:

This, Lorraine informed me, was in fact what she had eaten for lunch the day before. She explained, "Sure, it's pretentious, but I really want to see Swell Season!" I congratulated her on her solid plug of several Whole Foods products.

For those who have never shopped at Whole Foods, let me break it down for you. Their produce is all organic. Their chickens have never seen cages. Their beef has a better quality of life than you do... Minus the whole slaughtering thing. Ethnic foods abound. Health nut moms walk hand in hand with dreadlocked vegans. Tattoos and piercings are considered favorably when applying for positions there. In a nutshell, this place is way cooler than me.

Slowly, other entries trickled in. Each one more outlandish than the next: "Roasted eggplant" ..."nappa cabbage" ..."a thermos full of pho" ..."Ezekiel sprouted grain tortilla". I couldn't take it anymore! The indignation rose within me as this farce was paraded before my eyes. All pretenses of a "brown bag lunch" had been abandoned as the contest quickly spiraled out of control. I had to bring it back on course. I had to compile the perfect brown bag lunch.

Lorraine typed as I dictated each item after painstaking consideration.

"a pizza lunchables..." Plural or singular, it mattered not. I had to bring these people back to the lunchrooms of America.

"a capri sun..." I've never seen soccer moms break out thermoses of pho at halftime.

"flaming hot cheetos..." As I recall, elementary school kids in South Texas weren't suffering from ulcers as a result of too much roasted eggplant.

"and a go-gurt." What's lunch without a healthy dose of probiotics ...and high fructose corn syrup?

As we clicked on the comment button, immortalizing my entry, a monument to real American brown bag lunches, we knew what was at stake. A connection between myself and Lorraine would quickly be made. Their sensibilities would be offended at my brazen entry and all that it implied. We were sacrificing our shot at a great concert. It was a small price to pay.

I Am The Lizard King. I Can Do Anything.

2010-08-25T15:25:00.002-06:00

The other day Lorraine and I watched a special about monitor lizards on Nova. It was really good. Jim Morrison, eat your heart out.

Watch the full episode. See more NOVA.

First Order of Business

2010-08-24T16:22:00.003-06:00

...Okay now that my mortal enemy Be has been vanquished, and his blog-spam-bomb has been banished to the dark abyss of deletion from whence there is no return, I can now post the happy news that you all probably know.

Lorraine and I are married! WOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOO!

Our adventures have been legendary. Highlights to follow...

DAN'S BLOG STRIKES BACK!

2010-08-24T14:18:00.006-06:00

親愛的敵人
我希望你會感到疼痛，
可恥的是你自己的祖先，
我希望酒店繼續蓬勃發展，
在中國台北，
停止欺騙自己
你是完全中國的母狗，
的問候，丹

This is a little message for my spammer-friend Be. I finally got around to deleting his spam comments, and I decided to write him a little note. Feel free to plug it into Google translator. Make sure it says Chinese. Enjoy :)

Now that my blog is cleaned up, I am feeling revived. Many more posts to come!

Chinese Comment Spam ATTACK!

2010-05-26T14:34:00.004-06:00

363 total blog posts, 363 total new comments, all in Chinese. Each one reads as follows:

華麗夢想,
夢世界,
酒店經紀,
酒店工作,
酒店上班,
酒店打工,
禮服酒店,
禮服公關,
酒店領檯,
華麗夢想,
夢世界,
酒店經紀,
酒店工作,
酒店上班,
酒店打工,
禮服酒店,
禮服公關,
酒店領檯,
華麗夢想,
夢世界,
酒店經紀,
酒店工作,
酒店上班,
酒店打工,
禮服酒店,
禮服公關,
酒店領檯,
華麗夢想,
夢世界,

Using Google Translator, I generated the following translation:

Beautiful dream
Dream world
Hotel brokers,
Hotel work
Hotel work
Hotel employees,
Dress hotel
Dress public relations,
Hotels took over Taiwan,
Beautiful dream
Dream world
Hotel brokers,
Hotel work
Hotel work
Hotel employees,
Dress hotel
Dress public relations,
Hotels took over Taiwan,
Beautiful dream
Dream world
Hotel brokers,
Hotel work
Hotel work
Hotel employees,
Dress hotel
Dress public relations,
Hotels took over Taiwan,
Beautiful dream
Dream world

I was angry at first, and I still am going to erase every single comment and change my moderation settings, but lets be honest: I couldn't ask for a more random string of hotel jargon for my random blog. So Be, wherever you find yourself in the Orient, whatever random blog you are currently spamming into oblivion, I will be the first person in history to say: Thank you for your comments. My blog has been infinitely improved by your Chinese hotel spam flair. May your paltry sweat shop wages continue to support you and your loved ones in a foreign land that I have never seen, where the sun sets. I will never forget you. I love you Be. I love you.

Change

2010-05-18T09:46:00.004-06:00

This morning I am procrastinating a paper I have to write for my Advanced Spanish class. As I sit in the computer lab, trying to work myself up to putting satisfactory effort into the final class I will take as an undergraduate, I can't help but reflect on the several other times over the years when I sat in this same lab.

The last time I was in here it was December of 07 and I was supposed to be writing a paper on the Communist Manifesto. At the time I had decided to move back down to Cedar City. I had grown disenchanted with my circumstances up here, and in true Dan fashion, decided that the solution was to pull up stakes. As history has shown, I made the move, and lived in Southern Utah for the entire year of 2008. While there I learned a lot about myself through good experiences and bad. From the manic lows and highs of working in a residential treatment center, to an isolated summer as a tour guide in the ancestral home I had spent my whole life idealizing, to several months of unemployment, I experienced so much in that year, and emerged a better person. I have since returned home, all but completed my degree, and met Lorraine. Much has changed, with a lot more change on the horizon. Yet here I sit, procrastinating in the writing lab. I'm glad some things never change.

Two Weeks. Happiest Ever.

2010-05-01T11:38:00.002-06:00

My blog has long been a strange collection of adventures. For several years now I've shared silly, sarcastic, and random posts with a smattering of editorials about things that bother me. My blog has been largely devoid of the seriousness and sentimentality that I am feeling right now, because frankly, I didn't have a whole lot to be sentimental about, and I'm not one to go public with my more serious moments.

It has been two weeks since Lorraine and I were engaged, and we've sort of been run over by the logistics train that is wedding preparation. More she than I, admittedly, but I feel her pain, anyway. I feel compelled however to publicly, or at least semi-publicly declare that I am supremely happy. Large segments of my life path have been shrouded in the confusion and darkness that come with a serious lack of much-needed perspective. From this relationship I have gained clarity that I never dreamed possible, and what seemed to be an unexplainable quagmire is now revealed to be a carefully formed path. One that I wouldn't change now for the world, as it has led me to who I am, and who I'm with today.

Lorraine is beautiful, intelligent, loving, and strong. She loves me for who I am, not in spite of it, something I had given up hoping for. I couldn't ask for a more supportive and loyal friend. I am so blessed to have her in my life. So yeah... she's pretty cool.

I am very happy. Even though I just got a phone call from the Wells Fargo fraud department. Somebody spent 50 dollars on Itunes using my credit card, and I have never been happier... okay... I was happier yesterday.

"Why, you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler."

2010-05-01T11:00:00.006-06:00

There are a couple of Mexican guys that work in the nursery as laborers and machine operators. They are nice guys and hard workers, and I talk to them quite a bit. One guy in particular, named Juan, has always struck me as extremely familiar, though I've never been able to put my finger on why. On this drizzly Saturday morning, as I drove in for my four hour shift, I saw him operating a Bobcat, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The guy is the spitting image of Lando Calrissian. The only thing he was missing was Han Solo's clothes. I am thinking about asking him if he is from Ciudad de los Nubes (Cloud City), but that would just be too much.

Its Official, I'm Clairvoyant

2010-04-15T14:33:00.003-06:00

me: what was the ultimate blasphemy?

Garit: im posting the rest of it right now
you will freak out

me: did you accept the nuclear model of the sun?
did you accept the existence of trumpet thunder?
did you drink a cup of mustard?
did you listen to a mash-up of Norah Jones and One Headlight?

Garit: haha! might as well have
its pretty bad dude

me: Did you swear off speedos forever?

Garit: worse than that

me: Did you decide you like wearing clothes?

Garit: not that bad
lol

me: Did you shrug your indifference at a pile of meteorite stones?

Garit: oh heavens no

me: After all of these questions and your answers, I know what it is that you have done.
You have embraced the world of Steve Jobs

Garit: im so ashamed

Concentration Vs. Internment: A Pet Peeve

2010-03-16T09:40:00.005-06:00

I say "concentration camp," you say "Auschwitz."
Concentration camp... Auschwitz.
Concentration camp... Death camp.
Concenctration camp... 10 to 20 million people slaughtered.
Concentration camp... Unspeakable horror.

Now maybe in the strictest sense of the word, the United States relocated over 100,000 people of Japanese ethnicity into "concentration camps," but really? REALLY? I can't think of a more loaded word.

I have a professor, who I really like, so I won't name him here. I've taken several classes from him over the past couple of years, and I've enjoyed them all. However, on more than one occasion, he has taken the opportunity to chide the United States on their WWII concentration camps. Seriously, just stop.

Firstly, as historians, we shouldn't be in the business of moral judgement. It is the epitome of monday morning quarterback-ing. In my opinion the morality of historical actions was for their perpetrators and contemporaries to determine. It is my goal as a student of history to try and understand what happened and why. Its morality by modern standards is largely irrelevant. Our moral judgements are biased by our own time, culture, and individual circumstances, and therefore are inherently flawed. As were theirs. I can't help but make an exception for the holocaust and actual CONCENTRATION CAMPS. Immoral. Despicable. Horrifying.

Secondly, there is no comparison between American and Nazi "concentration camps"!!! That is why we call them internment camps. Stop trying to implicate the United States by underhandedly tossing in words that we all know come with horrifying connotations.

Internment camp...

Concentration camp...

I decided not to post holocaust pictures of mass graves on my blog, but you all get the point, I'm sure. Next time you throw around the term concentration camp, remember what you're implying, especially if you're a college professor.

It's My Bloggy and I'll Post If I Want To

2010-01-11T12:14:00.001-07:00

Dearest blogging friends and comrades, I have a band. I've made this claim before, but never with concrete video evidence to back it up. So here it is.

...And here are the lyrics for anyone who is remotely curious.

Please tell my love I lie beneath the algae blooms
A hapless sailor lying in a watery tomb
And I will ride to port to make my great escape
For I tire of all the hurting and there's no use in her searching anyway

For I have run away
With all that I could take
Yes, I'm a runaway

Please tell my son I died before he took first breath
His name the last word uttered just before my death
In truth I seek my fortune without bride or babe
Though it pains me all this lying, I am going into hiding anyway

For I have sailed away
With all that I could take
Yes I'm a runaway

Please tell the captain I've a fear we've run aground
The hull against the reef it makes a scraping sound
And all about I hear my crewmates cry in vain
Though its not for lack of trying, the truth has a way of rising anyway

As I am washed away
With all that I could take
Yes I'm a runaway

Holiday Torture Recap

2010-01-10T13:12:00.003-07:00

I am far enough removed from the holiday season to report on my holiday torture experiment. I am glad to report that there are no lingering side effects, no lasting pain or nausea, no tingling or numbness, no loss of memory or thoughts of suicide. In short, I'm no worse for the wear.

To recap, on November 9th I decided to listen to nothing at work but Christmas music streaming from FM 100's website, until Christmas day. As it turns out, their Christmas rotation consists of something around 50 songs. At some points it was extremely painful. At others, I totally blocked it out of my consciousness. I drove my coworkers crazy. In the end, it turned out to be entirely uneventful. No, my heart didn't grow three sizes. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that my brain size may have shrunk by 15%.

Without further delay, here are the results of the Holiday torture '09 Notable Song Count:

Holiday Torture '09: Notable Song Count
25- Linus and Lucy (Charlie Brown Christmas song?)
24- Paul McCartney, Wonderful Christmastime
23- Feliz Navidad
22- John Lennon, Happy Xmas
21- Feed The World
21- Beach Boys, Little Saint Nick
19- Wham!, Last Christmas (I'm also going to include covers of this song)
18- Burl Ives, Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
8- Manheim Steamroller, Deck The Halls
5- Dan Fogelberg, Same Old Lang Syne (I actually really like this song.)
2- Power Source, Dear Mr. Jesus (Freaking bizarre)

I still don't get why Linus and Lucy get so much Christmas play, but it beats freaking Feliz Navidad. Although I could have used a few more plays of Dan Fogelberg and that creepy-ass Power Source song.

In closing, may we all keep the spirit of Christmas in our hearts throughout this new year. Until next Christmas.

Holiday Torture '09: Fifteenth Time's A Charm

2009-12-01T12:40:00.002-07:00

Charlie Brown has crossed the threshold.

Same Old Lang Syne

2009-11-11T15:51:00.002-07:00

In case you haven't noticed, to the right I have a list of notable Christmas songs and the number of times I've heard them on FM 100 since I started listening on Monday, November 9th. Why Charlie Brown is breaking away from the rest, I'm still not entirely sure.

Happy Veteran's Day.

Holiday Torture '09: Third Time's A Charm

2009-11-10T16:16:00.001-07:00

Oh Charlie Brown, die a slow painful death.

Holiday Torture '09: First Repeat

2009-11-10T11:13:00.003-07:00

Around 4 PM yesterday I heard Burl Ives' Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer for the second time.

Now today, after a killer band practice last night, I am refreshed and ready to subject myself to another workday filled with Christmas-themed drivel.

Has anyone else heard the "Christmas" song performed by a child in which he refers several times to "Mr. Jesus" and he's singing about how his parents beat him? Not exactly Frosty the Snowman, is it? Bizarre.

FEED THE WORLD! LET THEM KNOW ITS CHRISTMAS TIME!

twitch, twitch

2009-11-09T15:15:00.002-07:00

It was only a matter of time.

Feliz Navidad... 1 and counting.

Last Christmas

2009-11-09T14:15:00.003-07:00

We've just had our first Wham sighting of Holiday Torture '09. I will definitely be keeping count.

Holiday Torture '09

2009-11-09T13:45:00.005-07:00

FM 100 is already playing Christmas music. Yeah, I know. It's only November 9th. To bring in the holiday spirit this year, I have decided to listen to FM 100 non-stop at work from now until Christmas. About five minutes into this and I'm already sweating.

I really really love Christmas... but come on... November 9th?

Oh Burl Ives, How can I resist your sweet Christmas magic?

Time Traveling Racial Stereotype

2009-11-08T21:14:00.002-07:00

I don't have a lot of ti...!

Music 1010

2009-08-26T13:27:00.001-06:00

I hate fine arts.
I hate 8 am classes.
Welcome to my hell.

Iron and Wine Was Suck-tastic

2009-08-21T10:23:00.002-06:00

I'm not in the business of complaining about free shows, but that was by far the worst show I've ever been to. I love Iron and Wine, so you know that the crowd had to be particularly awful to warrant that distinction. But the crowd exceeded the limits of my imagination in utter crappiness.

People were being loud and boisterous and everybody was boozing. It was so crowded that you had to get completely out of range of the sound to get any breathing room, and that far out it was just one giant mass of people drinking and talking. Was this an Iron and Wine concert, or a frat party? What did I miss here? How many people actually came to listen to music?

In short, it was a sad day for concerts.

Iron and Wine

2009-08-20T15:13:00.002-06:00

I am stoked for the show!

I'm A Red Vine Mule

2009-08-16T10:13:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I went to a movie with Garit, Mark, Jen, and Ben Tuttle. On the way to the theater, I stopped at the Maverik to pick up some Red Vines. You must understand however that for guys, sneaking candy into the theater is no small feat. Women have purses that they can easily use to smuggle in contraband, but men have no such luxury.

I remember a particular candy smuggling incidence quite fondly. A couple years back a group of us guys(I can't remember everyone in the group)decided to hit a dollar movie. We went to the grocery store next door and each bought a pound of candy from the bulk bins. We were then presented with the age old question, "How can guys effectively sneak candy into a movie theater." Quickly, we formulated a plan. We each hung a bag of candy down the front of our pants, banking on the fact that if a ticket taker noticed an unnatural bulge in our nether regions, they wouldn't call us out. Awkward? Yes. Juvenile? Definitely. Effective? Quite. As I recall, my pants were slightly tighter than everyone elses, and without a jacket to provide cover, my bulge was a little more pronounced. Still, our mission was a success and we enjoyed a cornucopia of gummy treats.

So back to yesterday. I picked up my Red Vines, and made my way to the theater. There was only one problem. My pants were kind of short on crotch space so I had to improvise. Thankfully I was wearing a jacket, and was able to tuck the bag of candy into the back of my shirt, and the jacket hid any noticable protrusions. I just had to shuffle around because if I moved too quickly the plastic crinkled. In short, I am an expert theater candy mule.

Horses Look Weird.

2009-08-14T09:38:00.002-06:00

They have long faces and weird skulls. Also if they break a leg they die. How crazy is that? I don't care how much Garit respects them, I say horses are weird.

It Has Been Four Days.

2009-08-14T09:33:00.003-06:00

You all thought that I was slipping into the abyss didn't you. Well just because I haven't posted since Monday doesn't mean I have nothing to talk about. It just means I haven't had time to sit down and blog. I have a post in mind. Scathing, controversial, edgy,... equine.

The Jackson Family Pet Holocaust

2009-08-10T23:28:00.003-06:00

Over the past year my family has been rocked by a massive pet scourge that has left our yard an eerie shell of its former lively self. Around a year ago our yard was home to two dogs and three cats. A fourth cat came later. Allow me to expound upon the demise of each pet.

Robin, the dog. He was an old mutt we adopted ten years ago and must have been a year or two old when he showed up at our door step... He went blind last year, got lost, and ended up getting creamed on the highway... poor Robin.

Shortly after Robin's demise a new cat entered our household. He was named Honky Cat.

Shortly after Honky Cat joined the family, our oldest pet, Meow, the senile cat, disappeared. Months later I found her staring at me, frozen in the bottom of our window well. Thus ended Meow the senile cat.

Months later Todd the cat took a journey from which he has yet to return.

Around the same time, my brother Thom began preparing for a mission. On the way to his farewell there was an unfortunate incident involving my mother's vehicle and Honky Cat. The vehicle won. I sprayed his blood off of the driveway and buried him after sacrament meeting.

Finally this evening Sam, our ten year old german shepherd died underneath a shade tree.

Only the elusive cat Pucky remains. Now my family enters into the twilight of pet ownership. Its been a long and fateful journey. While I don't really allow myself to get attached to animals, there have been some good memories. Maybe someday if I ever get a nice big yard I will get a dog and start the cycle anew.

Until then, goodbye to all of my dead animals.

Youtube Remix Alert!

2009-08-09T17:03:00.004-06:00

I can't help myself. Generally I try to keep from embracing the random internet memes that are constantly bouncing around Youtube. But I love these remixes...

Not a game, not a game, not a game... we talkin bout practice.

Paris Hilton's Dog House

2009-08-07T12:36:00.004-06:00

I fully anticipate this post to send Garit into seizures of rage. Davy however might find it interesting.

Paris Hilton has built a $325,000 mini-mansion.... FOR HER DOGS. ROFL

She's gone to a lot of effort to lavish creatures who would just as soon live in a urine-soaked cardboard box filled with sawdust.

2009-08-07T10:34:00.001-06:00

RIP John Hughes

I'm Ready for Autumn

2009-08-06T16:47:00.002-06:00

Summer sucks.

It feels good to be blogging again.

Will this work?

2009-08-06T12:03:00.000-06:00

For some reason Garits sprint email is somehow attached to my phone. Why is it that the more technologically advanced we get, the more complicated things get?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Where is my blog stamina?

2009-08-05T15:13:00.002-06:00

I have been perusing my previous blogs, particularly those from the fateful month of October 08, and I can't figure out where my blogging stamina went. I was producing blogs at a superhuman rate. Over 230 blogs in 31 days. Granted I had no job, and limited contact to friends and family, so I had no shortage of time, but I also had nothing to write about. No points of interest. Why is it that now, when I have much more going on, I am having an epic case of bloggers block?

Also, why can't I figure out how to blog with my phone?

Okay, this is it. Don't get scared now.

2009-08-04T20:16:00.003-06:00

Well well well. I have blogged poorly this year thus far. I blame it on Facebook. I blame it on gainful employment. I blame it on filthy lucre. I blame myself! Alright?! ARE YOU HAPPY?! IT'S MY FAULT! MINE! What, what? Are you just going to walk away? You just going to leave me here? Fine. Just know that I believe that this is a blog worth fighting for. Just remember that in the end you were the one that gave up on me. That's right. YOU gave up on ME! Or we can try and type this out. Just give me one more chance...

So yeah... blogs and stuff.

I am living in Orem now. I have been since May. I am in a student apartment with a bunch of dudes. I graduate in the spring. I work full time. I am poor.

I am in a band. The Indecision. It has been the name of my solo work for a couple of years now, and it is a solid name. So we kept it. We played two satudays ago. Playing my music in front of people is pretty terrifying. I get more nervous than I can explain. But, there is nothing like the high you feel after you walk off a stage. So we are solidifying our band lineup and will be playing more shows in the near future. I bought a beautiful new guitar which I will show documentation of at a later date. American Fender Telecaster Custom. Bands are fun.

I am feeling this blog thing again. Hopefully I'll be around for a while.

May God have mercy on my soul.

2009-03-07T09:55:00.006-07:00

Back in November when I was still living in Cedar City, I was issued a speeding ticket. The circumstances were questionable at best. I was going 40 in a 30, on my way out of town, fully believing that the speed limit was 40. By the time I was pulled over I had already passed the 50 MPH sign outside of town. That being said, I have come to expect a ticket every time I am pulled over.

Officers hate me. Why, you ask? I am friendly, helpful, respectful, and apologetic. A model citizen. I am also male, college aged, and long-haired. So basically I might as well be riding in a white Bronco with bloody floorboards.
I accepted my ticket with as much disdain as I could get away with, and continued down the highway. I was determined to fight this ticket to the end.

I went to the courthouse and entered my plea of NOT GUILTY anticipating a speedy hearing. A month passed and I moved back north. Another month passed and I called the courthouse to find out what was going on. Finally I received a letter in the mail, informing me that my court date was set for 3/5/09, over four months after my traffic violation.

For the next two months I debated whether or not to drive the six hour round trip. I would miss work and school without any guarantee that I wouldn't be paying the 80 dollar fine anyway. Finally, the day before the scheduled hearing, I began to feel true remorse for the terrible infraction that I had committed. I had a change of heart. I called the courthouse to formally change my plea.

The receptionist told me that they needed my plea in writing. I sat at my work computer with a heavy heart, ashamed at my wanton disrespect for the laws of this great land. I pressed my hands to the keyboard and slowly let my soul spill out into a Microsoft Word document. I immediately felt the burden of my crimes being lifted as I began typing:

"I, Daniel Jackson hereby change my plea to GUILTY for the traffic violation with which I am charged. May God have mercy on my soul."

As I carefully attached my signature to this solemn document and dialed in the Iron County Justice Center fax number, I had a distinct feeling that He would. He would.

exit hibernation

2009-02-16T15:50:00.003-07:00

This winter blog-sleep is slowly falling from my eyes.

I am coming out of blog-tirement.

After October's epic showdown I lost a whole lot of steam and I had take a hiatus to renew the joy of blogging in my soul.

Now I am back in full force.

Last week Branden, Kevin, Tom, David Jay and I were all congregated in the hall of flags. Yes, I have a hang-out group in the infamous hall of flags. We watched as several communications students attempted to conduct an experiment using chairs as barriers. As people approached the roadblock, if you will, the students would document their various reactions. Every several minutes some tool would walk by and make a scene by going against the grain and pushing through the chairs. Could we sit by and let the test be conducted, unmolested? I say, we could not. First David Jay stormed through the chair barrier, crashing through rows and rows of chairs. upon reaching the final row, he grabbed a chair and spun it around so it faced the opposite direction. He continued straight to class. Then five minutes later Kevin walked through, picked up a chair, carried it to the end of the hall and slammed it down loudly. By then Branden and I were laughing so hard we couldn't participate, we had totally blown our cover. I hope our efforts are included in the experimental results.

The Move

2008-12-12T09:19:00.003-07:00

I hate moving. Why do I do it so much? This is my last post from Cedar City. We should be finished here by early afternoon. I think I just barely passed math 1050. Before the final I was honestly hovering at 70.3% so hopefully I got at least a C on the final... or I will be dropping out of school forever. See everyone up there. I can feel the gridlock traffic already.

SCIENCE HOVER RIDERS!

2008-12-06T17:25:00.009-07:00

There is only a week of school left and I will be moving back up north to finish at UVU. The benefits will be numerous.

#1- Employment
#2- Family
#3- Friends
#4- Post-rock band
#5- Record/perform solo project
#6- Wait for it... Join a biker gang.

Davy's frequent references to restoring or converting old bikes has rekindled my bikelust. On my mission I built myself a bike during my spare time after my bike was stolen... twice. I learned quite a bit about bike mechanics during that little foray. Now I want to build the ultimate commuter. Well today marked a big step. I was down in St George picking up some stuff from my cousin, Ken, and I made a stop at DI... Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my latest purchase:

15 dollars later, I am the proud owner of a 1974 Schwinn Varsity.

The original seat is in pretty good condition.

It comes complete with a non-functioning speedometer which I hope to salvage

...also a Salt Lake bicycle license decal and a kickstand

I am trying to decide now whether to convert it to a one speed or to restore it to its ten speed glory. SCIENCE HOVER RIDERS LIVE!

I'm Listening to Pet Sounds

2008-12-03T09:30:00.003-07:00

I love pop music. I love sixties album art. I love goats. I love groundbreaking production. I love Pet Sounds.

POLITICS. DUN! DUN! DUN!

2008-11-10T23:46:00.002-07:00

Caleb and I have started a political blog called Nation Before Party.

Today we just posted our first piece. It was a joint endeavor. I encourage you all to check it out, and let us know what you think. WOO! Just do it.

I Bought Basketball Shoes

2008-11-10T21:53:00.002-07:00

LOL. Yes, it sounds ridiculous to me too. They were on clearance, and I want to get in better shape. They're even fancy and space age-looking. So I bought some shoes and a pair of shorts. Now I am officially an athlete. On an unrelated note, I broke another guitar string.

OH NO THE WORLD IS GOING TO END

2008-11-04T23:36:00.003-07:00

Wait. No it isn't. Washington is too broken and prone to stagnancy for that kind of drastic change. Crawl back from your ledges people, the American people has spoken, the Dems have cleaned house, and now we will all learn why "change" is easier said than done. Welcome to the White House, Obama! Now lets see if your campaign promises hold up as well as Bush's did. *snicker*

The Dust Settles

2008-10-31T23:59:00.001-06:00

2008-10-31T23:55:00.000-06:00

I've paid my dues -
Time after time -
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I've come through

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world -

I've taken my bows
And my curtain calls -
You brought me fame and fortuen and everything that goes with it
-
I thank you all -

But it's been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise -
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I ain't gonna lose -

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world

Adrenaline

2008-10-31T23:52:00.003-06:00

I won't lie to you guys. While I was posting the epic blog bomb of the century I was shaking like a leaf. Adrenaline is a crazy thing. I would make a terrible assassin, but an excellent blogger.

Leonardo

2008-10-31T23:45:00.060-06:00

Are we all in agreement that Leonardo is the lamest Ninja Turtle? He always came across as bossy, and a total kill joy. It is too bad that he also had the coolest weapons. Yet notice he never used them. What a total wuss

South Texas #3: The Goose

2008-10-31T23:45:00.059-06:00

Once I was tracting in a secluded forested area. The whole area had an eerie, almost ghost town-ish feel to it. I came to a home with a fence and gate. It looked like any south Texas home. Burglar bars, frame house sitting on cinder blocks, a metallic plaque displaying the family name and a Virgin of San Juan reference, all signs of a regular household. I opened the gate and started walking toward the house. As a missionary you grow used to keeping an eye out for dogs. Especially in south Texas, where you have to deal with a disproportionate number of pit bulls. I was wary as always, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. As I neared the porch, from the side of the house, screaming like Satan himself, came a giant goose waddling full bore with its great demon wings outstretched. I squealed like a girl and bolted for the safety of the gate, reaching it just in time to escape the goose's snapping beak. I stood there with my companion for a moment, quietly contemplating the goose that was still honking for blood. Then, with heads hung low, we continued on to the next house.

The goose who stopped the gospel.

South Texas #2: Cocaine

2008-10-31T23:45:00.058-06:00

In my first area I remember knocking on some doors in a neighborhood and speaking with a woman who asked us to meet with her husband when he came home from work.

We obliged and showed up late in the evening after he had returned. From the moment we saw him we knew he was really really wasted. I had dealt with drunk people before, but this guy seemed super drunk, plus. It didn't seem normal. Quickly realizing that he was in no condition to hear a discussion, we offered to come back later. As the three of us stood outside in the man's driveway, he stuck his hands in his pockets and something small fell out. Curious, I watched with a smile as my companion skillfully made a stealthy foot movement and covered the object with his shoe. I quickly drew the conversation to a close and my companion bent down and picked up the object.

Dying in anticipation, we started running down the street to our car. (I wasn't known for my quiet dignity) We turned on the dome lamp and my companion opened up his hand. In his palm rested a small coin sized bag of cocaine. LOL. It was getting late so we went to McDonald's, bought some Big Macs, and then took the cocaine home with us. After taking some pictures <---(Bad idea, but hey I was nineteen.) We then flushed the cocaine down the toilet.

South Texas #1: June

2008-10-31T23:45:00.057-06:00

Davy mentioned some sodas he drank on his mission and this led me to reminisce about a couple of amusing mission stories of my own.

The first I will mention was the June saga. June was a stuffed animal duck which I incidentally took from a box of toys that were supposed to go to poor kids. I named her after the Smashing Pumpkins song, Rhinocerous, off of the album Gish. "I should go, see you in June." Mine and June's relationship quickly blossomed and we started dating. A stuffed duck was your live-in girlfriend on your mission, you ask? Simply stated, yes.

After my mission apartment was burglarized twice, my companion, June, and I were forced to move in with the two other missionaries in our district. The stress of the situation clearly got to June and she began to withdraw. One night when I returned home late from a long day of proselyting, I saw june, hanging, from a rope fashioned with polyester ties. She left a note, accusing me of being distant, and of having unrealistic expectations. It was a low point in our relationship. Thankfully I was able to revive her, and although we have grown apart, we still remain good friends.

Oaths

2008-10-31T23:45:00.056-06:00

Through out my youth I took a series of oaths. To this day I have kept them religiously. I still remember several of them.

#1- In junior high I was a big soda drinker. One day I was drinking Surge from a wide-mouth can. As a joke, I poked my tongue into the can and accidentally sliced it open. I threw the can to the ground angrily and in my wrath I swore I would never drink Surge from a can again.

#2- Also in junior high during the Titanic craze I swore I would never watch that movie all the way through. I left the possibility of watching the boat-sinking scenes open.

#3- In high school, after a coke machine repeatedly ate my money, I swore I would never buy coke from the Lehi High School vending machines again. I went to great lengths to keep this oath, by asking others to buy the soda for me, or driving to Chevron to get my fix.

Cinderblock Carries Sound

2008-10-31T23:45:00.055-06:00

I learned this the hard way a couple weeks ago when I woke up at four in the morning to the sound of hammering. My neighbor keeps some weird hours. I guess he felt the need to nail some crap into his walls in the middle of the night. I pounded on the wall as hard as I could, and soon he grew silent. Thankfully since then the hammer has remained silent.

I Don't Get It #6: Crime Dramas

2008-10-31T23:45:00.054-06:00

I hate them. Why do you have to litter a crime drama with inaccuracies, when real true crime stories are more than fascinating enough. This is my beef with action movies too. The more realistic it is, the better in my opinion. I can't sit through five minutes of these shows before I am compelled to leave the room. I will never understand why most people prefer fake crime dramas to the real crime stories.

Here is a little website I found that points out CSI factual inaccuracies.

I Don't Get It #5: Paying For Smallness

2008-10-31T23:45:00.053-06:00

A television is a television. A big screen is a big screen. A computer monitor is a computer monitor. A phone is a phone, and a laptop is a laptop.

I will pay for functionality. I will never, ever, ever, ever pay extra for something smaller. Clunky doesn't bother me. I will never understand why people are willing to pay hundreds or even thousands of dollars more for something that is slightly smaller, or more "streamlined" than something else. I can imagine a few scenarios when smaller size would serve a function, like an ipod shuffle for a jogger, but few that are worth a whole lot of extra money. Yet every time they come out with a new bit of electronics it's SMALLER. OOOOH, AHHH. Give me a break! Give me a better product. Give me better features. I may not buy it right away, (because buying brand new electronics is stupid and expensive,) but I will buy it. Try to sell me on a smaller model, and I will hate you forever.

I Don't Get It #4 Magic Eye

2008-10-31T23:45:00.052-06:00

When I was in elementary school these were all the rage. However, I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that never once in my life have I been able to see the hidden images. I have been ostracized and excluded ever since, and it is all largely because of this. Therefore, it definitely goes on the list of things that I do not get.

Controversial Priestcraft Post

2008-10-31T23:45:00.051-06:00

Why do people get down on me for not watching LDS culture movies? No I have not seen Singles Ward, or RM, or Church Ball or whatever. Why don't I watch them? Because they're poor quality movies. Every time I give in I get hit over the head with another dumb movie. Generally I am really picky when it comes to the types of movies that I will watch. I want rottentomatoes.com to tell me it is good. If not, I am not interested.

Also, I resent the idea that those that buy the Deseret Book knock-offs of board games like Settlers of Catan, or the Mormon culture movies, are somehow more pious. I'm not knocking on those people, as most of my family are those people. But deep down, in a hyper-religious sense, it smacks of priestcraft! I know I could very well get hammered for this one, but wait. These people are preaching for gain! They are playing on the culture's spirituality and the predominant faith to make money. What else is it? TELL ME! And in the case of many of those movies, it is poor quality priestcraft. The worst kind in my opinion.

Sim Ant Addenda #1

2008-10-31T23:45:00.050-06:00

Just a quick update on my quest to figure out Sim Ant. On Tuesday night I figured it out and beat the full game. Those red ants never even knew what hit them, and I only got eaten by the lawn mower once. I even headed a legion of drones as we drove the humans out of their own home. Next up, Sim Farm?

The Original "I Don't Get It"

2008-10-31T23:45:00.049-06:00

I realized most of you will not get the full effect of the phrase "I Don't Get It" so I will try to explain.

A couple of years back I went to the dollar movie with a few people and we watched "Stranger Than Fiction". I hadn't heard much about the movie, but it was a dollar so I went along. As the movie progressed I became more and more excited as it turned out to be, in my estimation, a really good story with great acting. I was impressed to see Will Ferrell performing so well in a semi-serious role. I'm not a big fan of frat boy comedy, so I was very pleasantly surprised. After the movie ended, I turned to my friends and expressed my approval of the movie. We all agreed that it was really cool.

Feeling exhilarated, I made my way out of the theater and into the concessions area. Just as our conversation lulled to a moment of silence, we all heard as clear as day, "I don't get it!" The typed word will never do that phrase justice. I turned to see two beautiful 20-ish year old girls walking behind us, looking thoroughly perplexed. They had come to get some big Will Ferrell laughs, and were obviously disappointed. In reality, "I don't get it" actually sounded like, "Ah don' ged eh'". I still can't do it justice. The contrast between our reaction and theirs struck us so funny that David Jay Wayt and I started coughing as we struggled to stifle the impending explosion of hysteria. Suffice it to we both ran for the exit, threw open the doors, and bursted into uncontrollable laughter which continued on as we drove blindly through Provo with tears running down our faces. This continued on for about ten to fifteen minutes. It is probably the hardest I have ever laughed. I guess you just had to be there.

I Don't Get It #3: Two Tone Hairstyles

2008-10-31T23:45:00.048-06:00

I don't think they look good. I don't know what to say beyond that, but I've always thought they looked skunky and over the top. I have noticed that a disproportionate number of people with the two tone look in Cedar City are attending Evan's Hairstyle College, or whatever it is called. What are they teaching over there? Is there some type of peroxide indoctrination going on there? Is there a hidden half-dyed agenda?

I Don't Get It #2: Luxury SUV's and Trucks

2008-10-31T23:45:00.047-06:00

Luxury.
Sport Utility Vehicles.
Did I miss something here?
I thought trucks and SUV's were supposed to be rugged. Why would you buy an uber expensive truck that you wouldn't dream of taking off road? It is a stupid trend, and I am glad that it is dying. I guess they are now making hybrid SUV's. Uhhh good on you for going green, but doesn't a weaksauce hybrid engine defeat the whole purpose of owning a large vehicle? I don't pretend to know much about cars, but I do know about economy, and detecting shameless excess. Buying cars is a bad investment. Buying expensive cars is a worse investment. Buying expensive luxury SUV's and trucks is just plain stupid.

I Don't Get It #1

2008-10-31T23:45:00.046-06:00

The show Monsterquest... I don't get it. For those who haven't seen or heard of it, Monsterquest is a series on the History channel where they try to track down legendary creatures like bigfoot and loch ness etc. Here is why I don't get it. If they ever actually found conclusive proof of the existence of said creatures, I would have heard about it on the news. So when you sit down for an hour long television show about some fabled mini-bigfoot in Indonesia, you know what the end result will be. Inconclusive. How is this a television series?

New Blog Segment: "I Don't Get It"

2008-10-31T23:45:00.045-06:00

There are a lot of things in this world that leave me befuddled. I think we all have things that we just don't get. Many of you, for example may not get why I enjoy listening to sports talk radio, or why people invented oxygen bars, or why some people treat their pets like humans. There are many things that puzzle me. I will try to document the most baffling of these things frequently on a new blog segment I will call "I Don't Get It".

2008-10-31T23:45:00.044-06:00

Every time I try to play Sim Ant I am immediately run over by a lawn mower and killed. I guess I just really suck at this game.

Periodic Flashback

2008-10-31T23:45:00.043-06:00

When I lived in the Branbury Apartments in Provo, the BYU ward there met in a science classroom on campus. I remember this because there was an enormous periodic table of elements hanging from the wall. There, Branden ingrained two terms in my mind forever.

#1: Libebcanoffney
#2: Namgalsipsclar

I even came up with my own: Gaggy-Assy-Berker.

Cutout Discrimination

2008-10-31T23:45:00.042-06:00

The cardboard cutout of Obama is taller and more life-like than that of McCain on the SUU campus. I believe this gives an unfair appeal, and thus an advantage over his cardboard cutout opponent. I propose that we remedy the situation by folding cardboard Obama's feet to make their heights equal.

Zeppelin Discography

2008-10-31T23:45:00.041-06:00

After months of painfully slow download speeds, poor sources, and sheer forgetfulness, I have finally obtained the Led Zeppelin discography. My life is now complete. P.S. I want my own jet.

I've Come Around

2008-10-31T23:45:00.040-06:00

I was one of those guys who were disappointed in Weezer's albums following their first two (Blue, Pinkerton). I now am announcing to the world that I have swallowed my pride and have come to the conclusion that Maladroit is a really good album. I like the crunchy guitars. Certain more recent songs of Weezer's, which incidentally I believe were singles still get on my nerves, ie "Everybody Get Dangerous", and "Beverly Hills", and a couple others. But my days of disliking later Weezer are behind me. I hope you can all support me in this decision.

Long Hair, An Ode

2008-10-31T23:45:00.039-06:00

It will return. As the sun rises in the east.

Funky Bone

2008-10-31T23:45:00.038-06:00

Is that Garit grinning ear to ear with his MD microphone on the front row?

RISK FREE TRIAL

2008-10-31T23:45:00.037-06:00

Doesn't mean FREE! I'd like to say I feel bad for people who fall for these types of scams, but come on people. Nobody gives away their product for free. You'd have to be an idiot to think otherwise. When I worked for Convergys several years ago, I spent every day scamming inner-city kids with Risk Free trials for Proactiv. Risk free trials are a microcosm of the decay of western civilization. I'm watching a news story about this phenomenon. Once again, if you get sucked in its on YOU. YOU are the idiot who didn't read the fine print. Of course there's an automatic enrollment. Are you stupid? These people are total noobs.

Crandall Mine Disaster

2008-10-31T23:45:00.036-06:00

I still think about this saga often. There have been few stories that have captivated me the way this did. I think there was a two week period where I couldn't focus on anything else. Whatever happened to the slimy mine owner guy?

Xena

2008-10-31T23:45:00.035-06:00

How many of you were aware that Xena, Warrior Princess won an Emmy?

Blog Bomb: No Quarter

2008-10-31T23:44:00.001-06:00

October 31, 2008
11:45 PM

A day which will live in infamy. Davy was suddenly and deliberately blog bombed by the ruthlessly unparalleled blogging power known as Dan.

May he be gracious in his utter defeat, and take it like a man.

...

2008-10-31T23:43:00.001-06:00

They are coming for you, Davy. Are you ready? Cue bomb alarm.
This is the Emergency Broadcast System. There have been reports of an imminent blog bomb threat. Please use extreme caution and stay indoors.