Friday, October 31, 2008
I've paid my dues -
Time after time -
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I've come through
We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world -
I've taken my bows
And my curtain calls -
You brought me fame and fortuen and everything that goes with it
-
I thank you all -
But it's been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise -
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I ain't gonna lose -
We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world
Adrenaline
I won't lie to you guys. While I was posting the epic blog bomb of the century I was shaking like a leaf. Adrenaline is a crazy thing. I would make a terrible assassin, but an excellent blogger.
Leonardo
Are we all in agreement that Leonardo is the lamest Ninja Turtle? He always came across as bossy, and a total kill joy. It is too bad that he also had the coolest weapons. Yet notice he never used them. What a total wuss
South Texas #3: The Goose
Once I was tracting in a secluded forested area. The whole area had an eerie, almost ghost town-ish feel to it. I came to a home with a fence and gate. It looked like any south Texas home. Burglar bars, frame house sitting on cinder blocks, a metallic plaque displaying the family name and a Virgin of San Juan reference, all signs of a regular household. I opened the gate and started walking toward the house. As a missionary you grow used to keeping an eye out for dogs. Especially in south Texas, where you have to deal with a disproportionate number of pit bulls. I was wary as always, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. As I neared the porch, from the side of the house, screaming like Satan himself, came a giant goose waddling full bore with its great demon wings outstretched. I squealed like a girl and bolted for the safety of the gate, reaching it just in time to escape the goose's snapping beak. I stood there with my companion for a moment, quietly contemplating the goose that was still honking for blood. Then, with heads hung low, we continued on to the next house.
The goose who stopped the gospel.
South Texas #2: Cocaine
In my first area I remember knocking on some doors in a neighborhood and speaking with a woman who asked us to meet with her husband when he came home from work.
We obliged and showed up late in the evening after he had returned. From the moment we saw him we knew he was really really wasted. I had dealt with drunk people before, but this guy seemed super drunk, plus. It didn't seem normal. Quickly realizing that he was in no condition to hear a discussion, we offered to come back later. As the three of us stood outside in the man's driveway, he stuck his hands in his pockets and something small fell out. Curious, I watched with a smile as my companion skillfully made a stealthy foot movement and covered the object with his shoe. I quickly drew the conversation to a close and my companion bent down and picked up the object.
Dying in anticipation, we started running down the street to our car. (I wasn't known for my quiet dignity) We turned on the dome lamp and my companion opened up his hand. In his palm rested a small coin sized bag of cocaine. LOL. It was getting late so we went to McDonald's, bought some Big Macs, and then took the cocaine home with us. After taking some pictures <---(Bad idea, but hey I was nineteen.) We then flushed the cocaine down the toilet.
We obliged and showed up late in the evening after he had returned. From the moment we saw him we knew he was really really wasted. I had dealt with drunk people before, but this guy seemed super drunk, plus. It didn't seem normal. Quickly realizing that he was in no condition to hear a discussion, we offered to come back later. As the three of us stood outside in the man's driveway, he stuck his hands in his pockets and something small fell out. Curious, I watched with a smile as my companion skillfully made a stealthy foot movement and covered the object with his shoe. I quickly drew the conversation to a close and my companion bent down and picked up the object.
Dying in anticipation, we started running down the street to our car. (I wasn't known for my quiet dignity) We turned on the dome lamp and my companion opened up his hand. In his palm rested a small coin sized bag of cocaine. LOL. It was getting late so we went to McDonald's, bought some Big Macs, and then took the cocaine home with us. After taking some pictures <---(Bad idea, but hey I was nineteen.) We then flushed the cocaine down the toilet.
South Texas #1: June
Davy mentioned some sodas he drank on his mission and this led me to reminisce about a couple of amusing mission stories of my own.
The first I will mention was the June saga. June was a stuffed animal duck which I incidentally took from a box of toys that were supposed to go to poor kids. I named her after the Smashing Pumpkins song, Rhinocerous, off of the album Gish. "I should go, see you in June." Mine and June's relationship quickly blossomed and we started dating. A stuffed duck was your live-in girlfriend on your mission, you ask? Simply stated, yes.
After my mission apartment was burglarized twice, my companion, June, and I were forced to move in with the two other missionaries in our district. The stress of the situation clearly got to June and she began to withdraw. One night when I returned home late from a long day of proselyting, I saw june, hanging, from a rope fashioned with polyester ties. She left a note, accusing me of being distant, and of having unrealistic expectations. It was a low point in our relationship. Thankfully I was able to revive her, and although we have grown apart, we still remain good friends.
The first I will mention was the June saga. June was a stuffed animal duck which I incidentally took from a box of toys that were supposed to go to poor kids. I named her after the Smashing Pumpkins song, Rhinocerous, off of the album Gish. "I should go, see you in June." Mine and June's relationship quickly blossomed and we started dating. A stuffed duck was your live-in girlfriend on your mission, you ask? Simply stated, yes.
After my mission apartment was burglarized twice, my companion, June, and I were forced to move in with the two other missionaries in our district. The stress of the situation clearly got to June and she began to withdraw. One night when I returned home late from a long day of proselyting, I saw june, hanging, from a rope fashioned with polyester ties. She left a note, accusing me of being distant, and of having unrealistic expectations. It was a low point in our relationship. Thankfully I was able to revive her, and although we have grown apart, we still remain good friends.
Oaths
Through out my youth I took a series of oaths. To this day I have kept them religiously. I still remember several of them.
#1- In junior high I was a big soda drinker. One day I was drinking Surge from a wide-mouth can. As a joke, I poked my tongue into the can and accidentally sliced it open. I threw the can to the ground angrily and in my wrath I swore I would never drink Surge from a can again.
#2- Also in junior high during the Titanic craze I swore I would never watch that movie all the way through. I left the possibility of watching the boat-sinking scenes open.
#3- In high school, after a coke machine repeatedly ate my money, I swore I would never buy coke from the Lehi High School vending machines again. I went to great lengths to keep this oath, by asking others to buy the soda for me, or driving to Chevron to get my fix.
#1- In junior high I was a big soda drinker. One day I was drinking Surge from a wide-mouth can. As a joke, I poked my tongue into the can and accidentally sliced it open. I threw the can to the ground angrily and in my wrath I swore I would never drink Surge from a can again.
#2- Also in junior high during the Titanic craze I swore I would never watch that movie all the way through. I left the possibility of watching the boat-sinking scenes open.
#3- In high school, after a coke machine repeatedly ate my money, I swore I would never buy coke from the Lehi High School vending machines again. I went to great lengths to keep this oath, by asking others to buy the soda for me, or driving to Chevron to get my fix.
Cinderblock Carries Sound
I learned this the hard way a couple weeks ago when I woke up at four in the morning to the sound of hammering. My neighbor keeps some weird hours. I guess he felt the need to nail some crap into his walls in the middle of the night. I pounded on the wall as hard as I could, and soon he grew silent. Thankfully since then the hammer has remained silent.
I Don't Get It #6: Crime Dramas
I hate them. Why do you have to litter a crime drama with inaccuracies, when real true crime stories are more than fascinating enough. This is my beef with action movies too. The more realistic it is, the better in my opinion. I can't sit through five minutes of these shows before I am compelled to leave the room. I will never understand why most people prefer fake crime dramas to the real crime stories.
Here is a little website I found that points out CSI factual inaccuracies.
I Don't Get It #5: Paying For Smallness
A television is a television. A big screen is a big screen. A computer monitor is a computer monitor. A phone is a phone, and a laptop is a laptop.
I will pay for functionality. I will never, ever, ever, ever pay extra for something smaller. Clunky doesn't bother me. I will never understand why people are willing to pay hundreds or even thousands of dollars more for something that is slightly smaller, or more "streamlined" than something else. I can imagine a few scenarios when smaller size would serve a function, like an ipod shuffle for a jogger, but few that are worth a whole lot of extra money. Yet every time they come out with a new bit of electronics it's SMALLER. OOOOH, AHHH. Give me a break! Give me a better product. Give me better features. I may not buy it right away, (because buying brand new electronics is stupid and expensive,) but I will buy it. Try to sell me on a smaller model, and I will hate you forever.
I will pay for functionality. I will never, ever, ever, ever pay extra for something smaller. Clunky doesn't bother me. I will never understand why people are willing to pay hundreds or even thousands of dollars more for something that is slightly smaller, or more "streamlined" than something else. I can imagine a few scenarios when smaller size would serve a function, like an ipod shuffle for a jogger, but few that are worth a whole lot of extra money. Yet every time they come out with a new bit of electronics it's SMALLER. OOOOH, AHHH. Give me a break! Give me a better product. Give me better features. I may not buy it right away, (because buying brand new electronics is stupid and expensive,) but I will buy it. Try to sell me on a smaller model, and I will hate you forever.
I Don't Get It #4 Magic Eye
When I was in elementary school these were all the rage. However, I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that never once in my life have I been able to see the hidden images. I have been ostracized and excluded ever since, and it is all largely because of this. Therefore, it definitely goes on the list of things that I do not get.
Controversial Priestcraft Post
Why do people get down on me for not watching LDS culture movies? No I have not seen Singles Ward, or RM, or Church Ball or whatever. Why don't I watch them? Because they're poor quality movies. Every time I give in I get hit over the head with another dumb movie. Generally I am really picky when it comes to the types of movies that I will watch. I want rottentomatoes.com to tell me it is good. If not, I am not interested.
Also, I resent the idea that those that buy the Deseret Book knock-offs of board games like Settlers of Catan, or the Mormon culture movies, are somehow more pious. I'm not knocking on those people, as most of my family are those people. But deep down, in a hyper-religious sense, it smacks of priestcraft! I know I could very well get hammered for this one, but wait. These people are preaching for gain! They are playing on the culture's spirituality and the predominant faith to make money. What else is it? TELL ME! And in the case of many of those movies, it is poor quality priestcraft. The worst kind in my opinion.
Also, I resent the idea that those that buy the Deseret Book knock-offs of board games like Settlers of Catan, or the Mormon culture movies, are somehow more pious. I'm not knocking on those people, as most of my family are those people. But deep down, in a hyper-religious sense, it smacks of priestcraft! I know I could very well get hammered for this one, but wait. These people are preaching for gain! They are playing on the culture's spirituality and the predominant faith to make money. What else is it? TELL ME! And in the case of many of those movies, it is poor quality priestcraft. The worst kind in my opinion.
Sim Ant Addenda #1
Just a quick update on my quest to figure out Sim Ant. On Tuesday night I figured it out and beat the full game. Those red ants never even knew what hit them, and I only got eaten by the lawn mower once. I even headed a legion of drones as we drove the humans out of their own home. Next up, Sim Farm?
The Original "I Don't Get It"
I realized most of you will not get the full effect of the phrase "I Don't Get It" so I will try to explain.
A couple of years back I went to the dollar movie with a few people and we watched "Stranger Than Fiction". I hadn't heard much about the movie, but it was a dollar so I went along. As the movie progressed I became more and more excited as it turned out to be, in my estimation, a really good story with great acting. I was impressed to see Will Ferrell performing so well in a semi-serious role. I'm not a big fan of frat boy comedy, so I was very pleasantly surprised. After the movie ended, I turned to my friends and expressed my approval of the movie. We all agreed that it was really cool.
Feeling exhilarated, I made my way out of the theater and into the concessions area. Just as our conversation lulled to a moment of silence, we all heard as clear as day, "I don't get it!" The typed word will never do that phrase justice. I turned to see two beautiful 20-ish year old girls walking behind us, looking thoroughly perplexed. They had come to get some big Will Ferrell laughs, and were obviously disappointed. In reality, "I don't get it" actually sounded like, "Ah don' ged eh'". I still can't do it justice. The contrast between our reaction and theirs struck us so funny that David Jay Wayt and I started coughing as we struggled to stifle the impending explosion of hysteria. Suffice it to we both ran for the exit, threw open the doors, and bursted into uncontrollable laughter which continued on as we drove blindly through Provo with tears running down our faces. This continued on for about ten to fifteen minutes. It is probably the hardest I have ever laughed. I guess you just had to be there.
A couple of years back I went to the dollar movie with a few people and we watched "Stranger Than Fiction". I hadn't heard much about the movie, but it was a dollar so I went along. As the movie progressed I became more and more excited as it turned out to be, in my estimation, a really good story with great acting. I was impressed to see Will Ferrell performing so well in a semi-serious role. I'm not a big fan of frat boy comedy, so I was very pleasantly surprised. After the movie ended, I turned to my friends and expressed my approval of the movie. We all agreed that it was really cool.
Feeling exhilarated, I made my way out of the theater and into the concessions area. Just as our conversation lulled to a moment of silence, we all heard as clear as day, "I don't get it!" The typed word will never do that phrase justice. I turned to see two beautiful 20-ish year old girls walking behind us, looking thoroughly perplexed. They had come to get some big Will Ferrell laughs, and were obviously disappointed. In reality, "I don't get it" actually sounded like, "Ah don' ged eh'". I still can't do it justice. The contrast between our reaction and theirs struck us so funny that David Jay Wayt and I started coughing as we struggled to stifle the impending explosion of hysteria. Suffice it to we both ran for the exit, threw open the doors, and bursted into uncontrollable laughter which continued on as we drove blindly through Provo with tears running down our faces. This continued on for about ten to fifteen minutes. It is probably the hardest I have ever laughed. I guess you just had to be there.
I Don't Get It #3: Two Tone Hairstyles
I don't think they look good. I don't know what to say beyond that, but I've always thought they looked skunky and over the top. I have noticed that a disproportionate number of people with the two tone look in Cedar City are attending Evan's Hairstyle College, or whatever it is called. What are they teaching over there? Is there some type of peroxide indoctrination going on there? Is there a hidden half-dyed agenda?
I Don't Get It #2: Luxury SUV's and Trucks
.jpg)
Luxury.
Sport Utility Vehicles.
Did I miss something here?
I thought trucks and SUV's were supposed to be rugged. Why would you buy an uber expensive truck that you wouldn't dream of taking off road? It is a stupid trend, and I am glad that it is dying. I guess they are now making hybrid SUV's. Uhhh good on you for going green, but doesn't a weaksauce hybrid engine defeat the whole purpose of owning a large vehicle? I don't pretend to know much about cars, but I do know about economy, and detecting shameless excess. Buying cars is a bad investment. Buying expensive cars is a worse investment. Buying expensive luxury SUV's and trucks is just plain stupid.
I Don't Get It #1
The show Monsterquest... I don't get it. For those who haven't seen or heard of it, Monsterquest is a series on the History channel where they try to track down legendary creatures like bigfoot and loch ness etc. Here is why I don't get it. If they ever actually found conclusive proof of the existence of said creatures, I would have heard about it on the news. So when you sit down for an hour long television show about some fabled mini-bigfoot in Indonesia, you know what the end result will be. Inconclusive. How is this a television series?
New Blog Segment: "I Don't Get It"
There are a lot of things in this world that leave me befuddled. I think we all have things that we just don't get. Many of you, for example may not get why I enjoy listening to sports talk radio, or why people invented oxygen bars, or why some people treat their pets like humans. There are many things that puzzle me. I will try to document the most baffling of these things frequently on a new blog segment I will call "I Don't Get It".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)