Monday, November 11, 2013

Escape from the Boneyard

Lately I've been having thoughts... Thoughts that I've been reluctant to share on other social media platforms (Facebook, Twitter) because of their increased visibility and/or character limitations. Lets face it: Facebook is fast becoming the elephant graveyard of honest intellectual expression. Rather than a select pride of regal lions or a noble troop of elephants discussing how best to perpetuate the circle of life on the golden savannah, over modest helpings of gazelle or grass or whatever, Facebook is now a craggy, bone-filled scar, dominated by shadows of over-sharing and elementary ideological sparring. Hyenas run rampant picking at bones and cackling one-sided platitudes at one another, while vultures are finally arriving with the realization that Facebook is the new forwarded email. (Did you hear that Obama just cancelled Christmas and re-named it Secular Holiday Day?)

I may come crawling back to you yet, Wastard, old friend. The grass was not greener.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Drive-Thru Snippet #1

I'm pretty sure this morning I asked the guy at McDonald's for a Fruit and Opal Mate-Meal. Surprisingly, he understood what I meant, which was even more remarkable because English was clearly his second language.. I wonder if that is the first time somebody asked for a Fruit and opal mate-meal. It doesn't sound very appetizing.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

My Blog: A Beacon of Warmth.

First off, I'd like to draw your attention to the word warmth. Say it out loud. Have you ever asked yourself why you insert a silent "P"? WARMPTH. WARMPTH. Just saying.

Okay. Second item of business, I believe I owe all 2.5 of you an apology for my neglect of this blog. Just know it is a reflection of how boring I am and has nothing to do with how much I value my legion of readers. Now, I would hate to give the impression that nothing noteworthy ever happens to me. Life is grand. I do stuff all the time. I just haven't been inspired in the blog medium. I write songs, dream up teen fantasy novels, and even occasionally delve into the world of pottery. In short, I am more inspired than I can explain... Just not as a blogger. At least not in a way that is satisfactory to me.

The last thing I ever want to do is turn this blog into a show and tell blog. ie Today I went to a pumpkin patch. Here is a picture of me with a pumpkin. Here is a picture of Lorraine with a pumpkin. Here is a picture of Lorraine and I with a hobo scarecrow. The hot chocolate was the best! Scarves. Blah blah blah.

If my blog isn't inspired in my own quirky little way, then I put it on ice. And while it is depressing to see that I only have one entry so far for all of 2011, it is far better than the alternative.

PuMpKiN FuN!

P.S. That is a pumpkin patch that I planted and neglectfully cultivated along with a few coworkers and friends for fun. The pumpkin patch turned out alright, except that we didn't really market it and now I've got a field-full of rotting pumpkins.

So I was feeling inspired to post because my sister Lacey mentioned that whenever my other sister, Kayli talks to her on the phone from her dorm room in the hinterlands of Rock Springs, Wyoming, she laments that I do not blog. I must admit that I am a horrific long distance friend... Possibly the worst. That goes for family too. If I don't see you, I don't talk to you. That is not to say that my love for you has diminished, only that my attention span rivals that of a domestic chicken (whose population is over twice as numerous as the human race according to this NPR article) ...Anyway... to quote Lacey's message directly, "It's her only connection to you in her dark, cold world." Now I'm sure Kayli's world is just fine. But I do enjoy the idea that my blog is possibly a bizarre beacon of warmth to those who have followed it over the years. Besides that, I would like her connection to me to be a little more up-to-date than some lie I posted in March about how I was going to start blogging more. So here it is.

So what started my conversation with Lacey in the first place was that I was listening to Christmas music streaming from the FM 100 website, because as we all know, the holiday season begins on the first of November. Anyway, I was listening to some Holiday tunes, and heard Karen Carpenter's ageless croon, so I decided to spread the cheer to my sister by sending her my favorite line of the song (Which I believe I have mentioned on here before.) "Logs on the fire fill me with desire..."

Anyway, that was my attempt at a segue to my holiday '12 plans. I have decided in the interest of not driving my coworkers, wife, and least importantly myself crazy, that I will not be keeping a strict count of holiday songs this year. I know, I know, it was the only thing that made my blog interesting. Well, the captivation that you all enjoyed as you checked the train wreck that was my immersion into two months of non-stop Christmas tunes came at great cost. The ruination of traditional Christmas cheer. I don't know, I guess there's something about me groaning and shaking my head violently on Christmas Eve as I listen to Feliz Navidad for the forty-fifth time of the season that sort of sucks the joy out of the festivities. So as a compromise, I have decided to begin listening to holiday music early as always, but only when I want to. No more weaponizing Christmas music. So no more song counts, or violent Christmas blog post outbursts. I am enjoying my Christmas torture... in moderation.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Confessions of a Busy Blogger

It's late Friday afternoon and I'm alone at work. Here's my confession: I never get on computers unless I'm at work. Therefore if I am blogging regularly, it can be assumed that I have a lot of down time at my job. What then, is inferred by my lack of posts over the past couple of months? You guessed it, I have been busy at work. I got a promotion, and I guess that means I got busier. Enter a new phase of boring blogging.

I am glad to be more productive, and to be compensated accordingly, don't get me wrong. But within the deep recesses of its soul, (they have those you know,) my blog longs for a simpler day. I'm not talking about last year. The blog was pretty sparse then too. I'm talking back when I was unemployed. My life is so much happier now than it was then; before I moved back to Utah Valley, before I reentered the world of employment, and most importantly, before I met, fell in love with, and married Lorraine. It was a time when I literally had two daily focuses: School, and blogging. It made for a fantastic blog, (if I do say so myself,) but not a very well rounded or fulfilled person. Currently I am feeling much more fulfilled, and endlessly happier, but this blog feels like a ghost town, which is weird, because I usually love ghost towns. I guess not in this case.

Will I ever find a happy medium between the bygone days of multiple blog posts daily, and the wonderful, but blog-deficient life that I now lead? I hope so.

What is the first step? After such a lull in blog activity, what topic could possibly meet the built-up expectations of my approximately 3.5 regular readers? Democracy in the Middle East? Earth-shaking personnel changes on my Utah Jazz? My experience of trying and failing to get used to contact lenses? My epic haircut? My opinions and predictions for the season finale of The Bachelor?!

Oops. Out of time. Be back soon?

Monday, December 13, 2010

You bet against me bringing Pan back here, didn't ya?

I would like to address your lack of faith in the staying power of Holiday Torture '10. I am a busy man. (I accidentally typed "I am a busty man" HA!) I can't keep track of every song on my notable list in real time. If you can't accept that then I will throw you in the boo box.

Do not for a second, think that I have given up on my quest. I present to you the newly updated holiday torture list.

I have a short story to share with you in addition to my update, just so the readers don't think I've forgotten about the blog.

A couple weeks back I was in the self check-out at the grocery store buying eggs. After I tried unsuccessfully to get the scanner to read the bar code on the packaging, the cashier who oversees the self-checkout came over to assist me. The following is the reenacted conversation for your reading pleasure.

Cashier lady: Can I help you with something?

Dan: I'm having a rough time getting the bar code to read.

Cashier lady: Sometimes these cartons don't read very well.

Dan: Well I guess I just picked a bad egg. (<--PUN)

Cashier lady: (Stoically) Let me type in the code.

Dan: Egg-cellent (<-- PUN!)

Cashier lady: (Morosely) There you go, have a nice evening.

Really?! Not even an acknowledgement? Come on.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Does the melody for "Hey Santa, Hey Santa..." Sound familiar? YES, IT DOES! This song is truly torturous because it skews a cherished childhood memory and replaces it with Carnie & Wendy Wilson sitting on a polka dot couch. Wendy is getting hit on by elves and Carnie is fumbling with her Clarissa Explains It All hat. Santa is thrown from a second story balcony and crashes behind them, sustaining serious injuries. I can't stand for it any longer. I cannot allow that tune to be sullied in this manner. I must bring this vile plagiarism into the light of day.

Ahhh. That's better. I always wanted one of these. The tune has stuck with me since my early childhood, and I will let nobody, YES NOBODY, (THAT INCLUDES YOU CARNIE) to take this memory away from me.

As a small side note, can we all agree that the claymation Saturday morning shorts of yesteryear were the bees knees?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Chat Snippet O' The Day #2

me: that would be awesome
i just totally forgot how to write the word mabye
oooh that's better

Lorraine: HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Chat Snippet O' The Day

me: i miss you

Lorraine: i miss yuo too please

me: Who's Yuo?! I'll KILL HIM!

Lorraine: hhahahhahah!! you jealous nut!!

me: You have an Asian lover on the side, eh? I see how it is!

Lorraine: you're so possessive.

me: :P

Lorraine: you're both deeply offending me AND making me laugh out loud at work!!!!