Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Does the melody for "Hey Santa, Hey Santa..." Sound familiar? YES, IT DOES! This song is truly torturous because it skews a cherished childhood memory and replaces it with Carnie & Wendy Wilson sitting on a polka dot couch. Wendy is getting hit on by elves and Carnie is fumbling with her Clarissa Explains It All hat. Santa is thrown from a second story balcony and crashes behind them, sustaining serious injuries. I can't stand for it any longer. I cannot allow that tune to be sullied in this manner. I must bring this vile plagiarism into the light of day.

Ahhh. That's better. I always wanted one of these. The tune has stuck with me since my early childhood, and I will let nobody, YES NOBODY, (THAT INCLUDES YOU CARNIE) to take this memory away from me.

As a small side note, can we all agree that the claymation Saturday morning shorts of yesteryear were the bees knees?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Chat Snippet O' The Day #2

me: that would be awesome
i just totally forgot how to write the word mabye
oooh that's better

Lorraine: HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Chat Snippet O' The Day

me: i miss you

Lorraine: i miss yuo too please

me: Who's Yuo?! I'll KILL HIM!

Lorraine: hhahahhahah!! you jealous nut!!

me: You have an Asian lover on the side, eh? I see how it is!

Lorraine: you're so possessive.

me: :P

Lorraine: you're both deeply offending me AND making me laugh out loud at work!!!!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I would rather spend a hundred years as a background singer for Elvis' "Blue Christmas".

Truly Awful Christmas Song

Is this The Pretenders singing "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," or did Phoebe Buffay from Friends just walk into the room and try to cleanse my aura? This is so bad. Here is a Christmas-themed list of things I'd rather do than listen to this song:

-I would rather spend Christmas in prison than listen to this song.

-I would rather have George Michael sing "Last Christmas" one inch away from my face than listen to this song.

-I would rather be force fed one thousand regular candy canes than listen to this song.

-I would rather go to the Black Friday Jammy Jam at the South Towne Center.

-I would rather be haunted by the ghost of Burl Ives.

-I would rather be transported back in time to the set of Santa Clause with Tim Allen.

Please feel free to submit your own "I would rathers" in the comments section below.

Friday, November 05, 2010

The Day of Reckoning: Holiday Torture '10

What exactly is Holiday Torture? Starting November 9th, 2009 I began listening to Christmas music non-stop on KSFI, a local soft hits radio station. I listened every time I drove in my car, every time I sat down at my desk, basically 6 hours every work day until Christmas day. Figuring about two hours of drive time every weekend, and using the unmatched power of maths, I have deduced that I listened an average of 5.29 hours of Christmas music every day for 47 days. Lets round down to five hours even. I listened to 235 hours of Christmas music.

Why did I subject myself to the same rotation of fifty or so songs, over and over for a month and a half? Why am I doing it again? Great question. Answer= Because I am possessed by a Christmas Demon! Plus last year I made a mistake. The Christmas rotation doesn't start on the ninth. This year it started on November 5th on KSFI, and the evening of November 4th on its softy counterpart KOSY. I must beat my old record.

Logs on the fire fill me with desire.

Monday, November 01, 2010

It's Coming...

There is a faint rumbling on the horizon. Is that the sound of a thousand jingle bells roaring out in pain? FM 100's website has already made the inevitable Christmas transition. Its two zeroes are now blood red Christmas ornaments, snowflakes fall gently across the home page like fallout in a war zone, and now it is a matter of time before the madness takes the airwaves. My coworkers and wife have all begged me to forget about the imminent holiday tide. But I cannot. I am as powerless against it as a menorah in an ice storm. It commands, and I obey.

Holiday Torture '10