The Move

I hate moving. Why do I do it so much? This is my last post from Cedar City. We should be finished here by early afternoon. I think I just barely passed math 1050. Before the final I was honestly hovering at 70.3% so hopefully I got at least a C on the final... or I will be dropping out of school forever. See everyone up there. I can feel the gridlock traffic already.

SCIENCE HOVER RIDERS!

There is only a week of school left and I will be moving back up north to finish at UVU. The benefits will be numerous.

#1- Employment
#2- Family
#3- Friends
#4- Post-rock band
#5- Record/perform solo project
#6- Wait for it... Join a biker gang.

Davy's frequent references to restoring or converting old bikes has rekindled my bikelust. On my mission I built myself a bike during my spare time after my bike was stolen... twice. I learned quite a bit about bike mechanics during that little foray. Now I want to build the ultimate commuter. Well today marked a big step. I was down in St George picking up some stuff from my cousin, Ken, and I made a stop at DI... Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my latest purchase:



15 dollars later, I am the proud owner of a 1974 Schwinn Varsity.



The original seat is in pretty good condition.



It comes complete with a non-functioning speedometer which I hope to salvage



...also a Salt Lake bicycle license decal and a kickstand




I am trying to decide now whether to convert it to a one speed or to restore it to its ten speed glory. SCIENCE HOVER RIDERS LIVE!

I'm Listening to Pet Sounds

I love pop music. I love sixties album art. I love goats. I love groundbreaking production. I love Pet Sounds.

POLITICS. DUN! DUN! DUN!

Caleb and I have started a political blog called Nation Before Party.

Today we just posted our first piece. It was a joint endeavor. I encourage you all to check it out, and let us know what you think. WOO! Just do it.

I Bought Basketball Shoes

LOL. Yes, it sounds ridiculous to me too. They were on clearance, and I want to get in better shape. They're even fancy and space age-looking. So I bought some shoes and a pair of shorts. Now I am officially an athlete. On an unrelated note, I broke another guitar string.

OH NO THE WORLD IS GOING TO END

Wait. No it isn't. Washington is too broken and prone to stagnancy for that kind of drastic change. Crawl back from your ledges people, the American people has spoken, the Dems have cleaned house, and now we will all learn why "change" is easier said than done. Welcome to the White House, Obama! Now lets see if your campaign promises hold up as well as Bush's did. *snicker*

The Dust Settles

I've paid my dues -
Time after time -
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I've come through

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world -

I've taken my bows
And my curtain calls -
You brought me fame and fortuen and everything that goes with it
-
I thank you all -

But it's been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise -
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I ain't gonna lose -

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world

Adrenaline

I won't lie to you guys. While I was posting the epic blog bomb of the century I was shaking like a leaf. Adrenaline is a crazy thing. I would make a terrible assassin, but an excellent blogger.

Leonardo

Are we all in agreement that Leonardo is the lamest Ninja Turtle? He always came across as bossy, and a total kill joy. It is too bad that he also had the coolest weapons. Yet notice he never used them. What a total wuss

South Texas #3: The Goose

Once I was tracting in a secluded forested area. The whole area had an eerie, almost ghost town-ish feel to it. I came to a home with a fence and gate. It looked like any south Texas home. Burglar bars, frame house sitting on cinder blocks, a metallic plaque displaying the family name and a Virgin of San Juan reference, all signs of a regular household. I opened the gate and started walking toward the house. As a missionary you grow used to keeping an eye out for dogs. Especially in south Texas, where you have to deal with a disproportionate number of pit bulls. I was wary as always, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. As I neared the porch, from the side of the house, screaming like Satan himself, came a giant goose waddling full bore with its great demon wings outstretched. I squealed like a girl and bolted for the safety of the gate, reaching it just in time to escape the goose's snapping beak. I stood there with my companion for a moment, quietly contemplating the goose that was still honking for blood. Then, with heads hung low, we continued on to the next house.

The goose who stopped the gospel.

South Texas #2: Cocaine

In my first area I remember knocking on some doors in a neighborhood and speaking with a woman who asked us to meet with her husband when he came home from work.

We obliged and showed up late in the evening after he had returned. From the moment we saw him we knew he was really really wasted. I had dealt with drunk people before, but this guy seemed super drunk, plus. It didn't seem normal. Quickly realizing that he was in no condition to hear a discussion, we offered to come back later. As the three of us stood outside in the man's driveway, he stuck his hands in his pockets and something small fell out. Curious, I watched with a smile as my companion skillfully made a stealthy foot movement and covered the object with his shoe. I quickly drew the conversation to a close and my companion bent down and picked up the object.

Dying in anticipation, we started running down the street to our car. (I wasn't known for my quiet dignity) We turned on the dome lamp and my companion opened up his hand. In his palm rested a small coin sized bag of cocaine. LOL. It was getting late so we went to McDonald's, bought some Big Macs, and then took the cocaine home with us. After taking some pictures <---(Bad idea, but hey I was nineteen.) We then flushed the cocaine down the toilet.

South Texas #1: June

Davy mentioned some sodas he drank on his mission and this led me to reminisce about a couple of amusing mission stories of my own.

The first I will mention was the June saga. June was a stuffed animal duck which I incidentally took from a box of toys that were supposed to go to poor kids. I named her after the Smashing Pumpkins song, Rhinocerous, off of the album Gish. "I should go, see you in June." Mine and June's relationship quickly blossomed and we started dating. A stuffed duck was your live-in girlfriend on your mission, you ask? Simply stated, yes.

After my mission apartment was burglarized twice, my companion, June, and I were forced to move in with the two other missionaries in our district. The stress of the situation clearly got to June and she began to withdraw. One night when I returned home late from a long day of proselyting, I saw june, hanging, from a rope fashioned with polyester ties. She left a note, accusing me of being distant, and of having unrealistic expectations. It was a low point in our relationship. Thankfully I was able to revive her, and although we have grown apart, we still remain good friends.

Oaths

Through out my youth I took a series of oaths. To this day I have kept them religiously. I still remember several of them.

#1- In junior high I was a big soda drinker. One day I was drinking Surge from a wide-mouth can. As a joke, I poked my tongue into the can and accidentally sliced it open. I threw the can to the ground angrily and in my wrath I swore I would never drink Surge from a can again.

#2- Also in junior high during the Titanic craze I swore I would never watch that movie all the way through. I left the possibility of watching the boat-sinking scenes open.

#3- In high school, after a coke machine repeatedly ate my money, I swore I would never buy coke from the Lehi High School vending machines again. I went to great lengths to keep this oath, by asking others to buy the soda for me, or driving to Chevron to get my fix.

Cinderblock Carries Sound

I learned this the hard way a couple weeks ago when I woke up at four in the morning to the sound of hammering. My neighbor keeps some weird hours. I guess he felt the need to nail some crap into his walls in the middle of the night. I pounded on the wall as hard as I could, and soon he grew silent. Thankfully since then the hammer has remained silent.

I Don't Get It #6: Crime Dramas

I hate them. Why do you have to litter a crime drama with inaccuracies, when real true crime stories are more than fascinating enough. This is my beef with action movies too. The more realistic it is, the better in my opinion. I can't sit through five minutes of these shows before I am compelled to leave the room. I will never understand why most people prefer fake crime dramas to the real crime stories.

Here is a little website I found that points out CSI factual inaccuracies.

I Don't Get It #5: Paying For Smallness

A television is a television. A big screen is a big screen. A computer monitor is a computer monitor. A phone is a phone, and a laptop is a laptop.

I will pay for functionality. I will never, ever, ever, ever pay extra for something smaller. Clunky doesn't bother me. I will never understand why people are willing to pay hundreds or even thousands of dollars more for something that is slightly smaller, or more "streamlined" than something else. I can imagine a few scenarios when smaller size would serve a function, like an ipod shuffle for a jogger, but few that are worth a whole lot of extra money. Yet every time they come out with a new bit of electronics it's SMALLER. OOOOH, AHHH. Give me a break! Give me a better product. Give me better features. I may not buy it right away, (because buying brand new electronics is stupid and expensive,) but I will buy it. Try to sell me on a smaller model, and I will hate you forever.

I Don't Get It #4 Magic Eye

When I was in elementary school these were all the rage. However, I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that never once in my life have I been able to see the hidden images. I have been ostracized and excluded ever since, and it is all largely because of this. Therefore, it definitely goes on the list of things that I do not get.

Controversial Priestcraft Post

Why do people get down on me for not watching LDS culture movies? No I have not seen Singles Ward, or RM, or Church Ball or whatever. Why don't I watch them? Because they're poor quality movies. Every time I give in I get hit over the head with another dumb movie. Generally I am really picky when it comes to the types of movies that I will watch. I want rottentomatoes.com to tell me it is good. If not, I am not interested.

Also, I resent the idea that those that buy the Deseret Book knock-offs of board games like Settlers of Catan, or the Mormon culture movies, are somehow more pious. I'm not knocking on those people, as most of my family are those people. But deep down, in a hyper-religious sense, it smacks of priestcraft! I know I could very well get hammered for this one, but wait. These people are preaching for gain! They are playing on the culture's spirituality and the predominant faith to make money. What else is it? TELL ME! And in the case of many of those movies, it is poor quality priestcraft. The worst kind in my opinion.

Sim Ant Addenda #1

Just a quick update on my quest to figure out Sim Ant. On Tuesday night I figured it out and beat the full game. Those red ants never even knew what hit them, and I only got eaten by the lawn mower once. I even headed a legion of drones as we drove the humans out of their own home. Next up, Sim Farm?

The Original "I Don't Get It"

I realized most of you will not get the full effect of the phrase "I Don't Get It" so I will try to explain.

A couple of years back I went to the dollar movie with a few people and we watched "Stranger Than Fiction". I hadn't heard much about the movie, but it was a dollar so I went along. As the movie progressed I became more and more excited as it turned out to be, in my estimation, a really good story with great acting. I was impressed to see Will Ferrell performing so well in a semi-serious role. I'm not a big fan of frat boy comedy, so I was very pleasantly surprised. After the movie ended, I turned to my friends and expressed my approval of the movie. We all agreed that it was really cool.

Feeling exhilarated, I made my way out of the theater and into the concessions area. Just as our conversation lulled to a moment of silence, we all heard as clear as day, "I don't get it!" The typed word will never do that phrase justice. I turned to see two beautiful 20-ish year old girls walking behind us, looking thoroughly perplexed. They had come to get some big Will Ferrell laughs, and were obviously disappointed. In reality, "I don't get it" actually sounded like, "Ah don' ged eh'". I still can't do it justice. The contrast between our reaction and theirs struck us so funny that David Jay Wayt and I started coughing as we struggled to stifle the impending explosion of hysteria. Suffice it to we both ran for the exit, threw open the doors, and bursted into uncontrollable laughter which continued on as we drove blindly through Provo with tears running down our faces. This continued on for about ten to fifteen minutes. It is probably the hardest I have ever laughed. I guess you just had to be there.

I Don't Get It #3: Two Tone Hairstyles

I don't think they look good. I don't know what to say beyond that, but I've always thought they looked skunky and over the top. I have noticed that a disproportionate number of people with the two tone look in Cedar City are attending Evan's Hairstyle College, or whatever it is called. What are they teaching over there? Is there some type of peroxide indoctrination going on there? Is there a hidden half-dyed agenda?

I Don't Get It #2: Luxury SUV's and Trucks

Luxury.
Sport Utility Vehicles.
Did I miss something here?
I thought trucks and SUV's were supposed to be rugged. Why would you buy an uber expensive truck that you wouldn't dream of taking off road? It is a stupid trend, and I am glad that it is dying. I guess they are now making hybrid SUV's. Uhhh good on you for going green, but doesn't a weaksauce hybrid engine defeat the whole purpose of owning a large vehicle? I don't pretend to know much about cars, but I do know about economy, and detecting shameless excess. Buying cars is a bad investment. Buying expensive cars is a worse investment. Buying expensive luxury SUV's and trucks is just plain stupid.

I Don't Get It #1

The show Monsterquest... I don't get it. For those who haven't seen or heard of it, Monsterquest is a series on the History channel where they try to track down legendary creatures like bigfoot and loch ness etc. Here is why I don't get it. If they ever actually found conclusive proof of the existence of said creatures, I would have heard about it on the news. So when you sit down for an hour long television show about some fabled mini-bigfoot in Indonesia, you know what the end result will be. Inconclusive. How is this a television series?

New Blog Segment: "I Don't Get It"

There are a lot of things in this world that leave me befuddled. I think we all have things that we just don't get. Many of you, for example may not get why I enjoy listening to sports talk radio, or why people invented oxygen bars, or why some people treat their pets like humans. There are many things that puzzle me. I will try to document the most baffling of these things frequently on a new blog segment I will call "I Don't Get It".

Every time I try to play Sim Ant I am immediately run over by a lawn mower and killed. I guess I just really suck at this game.

Periodic Flashback

When I lived in the Branbury Apartments in Provo, the BYU ward there met in a science classroom on campus. I remember this because there was an enormous periodic table of elements hanging from the wall. There, Branden ingrained two terms in my mind forever.

#1: Libebcanoffney
#2: Namgalsipsclar

I even came up with my own: Gaggy-Assy-Berker.

Cutout Discrimination

The cardboard cutout of Obama is taller and more life-like than that of McCain on the SUU campus. I believe this gives an unfair appeal, and thus an advantage over his cardboard cutout opponent. I propose that we remedy the situation by folding cardboard Obama's feet to make their heights equal.

Zeppelin Discography

After months of painfully slow download speeds, poor sources, and sheer forgetfulness, I have finally obtained the Led Zeppelin discography. My life is now complete. P.S. I want my own jet.

I've Come Around

I was one of those guys who were disappointed in Weezer's albums following their first two (Blue, Pinkerton). I now am announcing to the world that I have swallowed my pride and have come to the conclusion that Maladroit is a really good album. I like the crunchy guitars. Certain more recent songs of Weezer's, which incidentally I believe were singles still get on my nerves, ie "Everybody Get Dangerous", and "Beverly Hills", and a couple others. But my days of disliking later Weezer are behind me. I hope you can all support me in this decision.

Long Hair, An Ode

It will return. As the sun rises in the east.

Funky Bone

Is that Garit grinning ear to ear with his MD microphone on the front row?

RISK FREE TRIAL

Doesn't mean FREE! I'd like to say I feel bad for people who fall for these types of scams, but come on people. Nobody gives away their product for free. You'd have to be an idiot to think otherwise. When I worked for Convergys several years ago, I spent every day scamming inner-city kids with Risk Free trials for Proactiv. Risk free trials are a microcosm of the decay of western civilization. I'm watching a news story about this phenomenon. Once again, if you get sucked in its on YOU. YOU are the idiot who didn't read the fine print. Of course there's an automatic enrollment. Are you stupid? These people are total noobs.

Crandall Mine Disaster

I still think about this saga often. There have been few stories that have captivated me the way this did. I think there was a two week period where I couldn't focus on anything else. Whatever happened to the slimy mine owner guy?

Xena

How many of you were aware that Xena, Warrior Princess won an Emmy?

Blog Bomb: No Quarter

October 31, 2008
11:45 PM

A day which will live in infamy. Davy was suddenly and deliberately blog bombed by the ruthlessly unparalleled blogging power known as Dan.

May he be gracious in his utter defeat, and take it like a man.

Blog Hoarding: Ethical?

Throughout history, great leaders have gone to great lengths to gain power and/or subdue their enemies. As I sit at the keyboard, seemingly awash in hoarded blog posts, I can't help but ask myself, "Is this right?"

Many of the world's most powerful historical figures would say that morality has no place in this world of kill or be killed. There is only power and weakness. However appealing this Machiavellian world view may be, I am constrained by a deep sense of morality to question my actions.

Be that as it may, I am equally constrained by my bloglust to defeat my opponent by any means necessary. And so it continues, until at last the time comes to unleash the beast.

I have an unshakable feeling that I am not alone in this blog proliferation. This only serves to push the question of morality further out of my limited scope. My sole focus is victory. Let the pundits and historians judge my actions when the dust clears and my opponent lies cold and lifeless at my feet.

Those who dawdle cannot achieve greatness. I will leave the questioning of morality to those who are too weak to take what they want. Keep your morality. I want BLOG POWER!

There's No Turning Back

This is it Davy. It has been a great ride. In twenty minutes it will be over, but my respect for you will continue on. You are truly a blogging warrior.

Hot Stove

I know that baseball just got over, but I still regularly check boston.com for Red Sox updates. They are reporting today that the Red Sox picked up 42 year-old pitcher Tim Wakefield's option for 2009. I like Wakefield a lot because he is one of the few knuckleball pitchers in the big leagues. His fastball tops out in the 70's but he manages to juke hitters with a weird rotation on the ball. I don't know the mechanics, but it has been effective for a long time.

Death by Retro Science #2: Polaroid Cameras

The first instant camera came out in 1947. Since then Polaroid cameras have rocked the world. On wikipedia it says that in February of this year Polaroid announced it would cease production on all instant cameras! Sad! Lets be honest, it was a sound business decision, but still sad nonetheless. I hear the first Polaroids were roughly the size of Garit's pinewood hutch jector.

Death by Science #8: Dinosaur Elvis

Brachylophosaurus is a dinosaur with the nickname of "Elvis" because of his strange shaped head crest. Scientists believe this strange bony head crest may have served as a helmet,and theorize that the males may have fought head to head like many species still do today.

Death by Science #7: AIDS

AIDS has been circulating around human populations for much longer than scientists originally believed. This article claims that its origin may even be prior to the turn of the 19th century.

Obama's Aunt: Illegal

According to Drudge Report, Obama's aunt has been living illegally in Boston. What an outrage! I say we build a fence along the eastern sea board to keep illegal Kenyans out! We should also gather them all up and send them back. NO AMNESTY!

200

1.21 Jigowatts?!

That's right, I've broken the elusive threshold and stand at the cusp of immortality. Thankfully the space-time continuum is still firmly intact. I was afraid that the combined forces of the 200th post combined with Garit's Hoverjector might cause irreparable damage to the fabric of time, resulting in a super massive black hole and the destruction of the universe.

Firefly

A few years back I was introduced to Firefly by Mike and Gretchen. It was a sci-fi television series on Fox that was cancelled after only fifteen or so episodes. A full-length movie named Serenity was also released. Over the summer I bought the complete series and watched it. I've watched it a couple of times actually. Each time however, I make it a point not to watch the last episode. Call me strange, but I made that mistake with Friends. I suggest that everyone should always leave at least one episode unseen. I can't really explain why, except that it makes the end of a series easier to handle when there is one more episode that you could watch, but you won't. Give it a try.

Vocal Chords

I need to take better care of my voice. I tend to try to shout along with some of my favorite tunes, but my songs are all on more of the melodical side. I know I strain my voice often, and I hope I haven't caused permanent damage.

I started reading up on some common vocal chord disorders and it made me nervous. If you ever here me screaming or even pretend screaming, stop me. I don't want to be one of those guys who loses their range when they get to be middle aged. I want a golden falsetto at sixty. You hear me? Golden.

Julia Stiles: Hacker

On Ghostwriter, Julia Stiles also appears as a a really cool hacker. If I could be half as cool as her I would totally jam with the console cowboys in cyberspace.

Samuel L Jackson on PBS

Were you aware that Samuel L Jackson plays Jamal's dad in the show Ghostwriter? I'm sick of this @$#%@$& ghost in my @&^#%^* house!

Balding Front Men

I feel bad for balding rock and roll front men. Can you imagine the immense pressure to maintain your "look"? I like that a natural step in the process of grieving is the hat. From Elton John, to Michael Stipe, to Billy Corgan, all balding front men go through a hat stage. It is almost like they don't know what to do, so they try to staunch the bleeding. It is only a temporary solution though. Soon the fans will catch on and they'll just think it is pathetic. This is where the real decision is made. Do you go the Elton John route with a toupee? Or do you shave your head completely bald and try to pass it off as a new style? This is a personal decision that every balding front man must make, or face the inevitable consequence of irrelevance. Balding front men, I support your decision, whichever way you decide.

Oracle of Bacon

Ever played the Kevin Bacon game? Well this site takes it to a new level. A while ago I was searching for bollywood actors from the turn of the 19th century on imdb and I was still getting a bacon number of like four. Be careful, you will get sucked into this game for hours.

Frisco Peak

20 miles or so West of Milford, UT is Frisco Peak, elevation 9660 ft. At the base of the mountain is the ghost town of Frisco. At the top of the peak is a hang gliding launch pad that is one of the best spots in the country. I haven't read any documentation, but I talked to someone who lived in Milford who claimed to have spoken to someone who glided from Frisco to Park City. That is like 150 miles. CRAZY.

Prison Break

This show is completely unrealistic and is insulting to my intelligence. That being said, if I was a convict, I would totally tattoo the blueprints of the prison all over my body. I have long told close friends that within weeks in a high security penitentiary, i would gain the status of Prison King. I would pwn all the other convicts on the block. Davy, you would be the wimpiest prison inmate in history.

The Last Starfighter

Best movie ever made. I'm sure none of you are aware, but right now aliens are watching the proceedings of this blog war and at the end, the winner will be recruited to save the galaxy using their blog prowess. Society thinks Davy and I are destined for a life in a trailer park, but they have another thing coming. We will save the world.

Slap Bracelet War

What Davy doesn't understand is that I never, ever back down. Once Adam and I had a slap bracelet war and we tore the cloth cover off so we were just slapping each other back and forth with a thin sharp piece of metal. Adam drew blood, and yet I persevered until he finally agreed to a tie. You can hit me as hard as you want Davy. I am here to stay, and I will not accept failure!

D Will Ankle

The Jazz won their season opener without starting guard Deron Williams. It was a close game, made closer by his absence. According to the Sl Trib he is still at least a week away from getting on the court. He sprained his ankle during a preseason game. The Jazz will do well again this year, but I am afraid that there is too much competition here in the Western Conference. The sooner D Will gets on the court, the better. (As long as he's healthy)

Autumn

I really love this time of year. The air is crisp, the holidays are coming, and we get a break from Utah's extreme weather. There is one downside to Autumn though. The fallen leaves make it difficult to be stealthy. Where ever you go there is a crinkly noise. When I was sneaking into my landlord's mudroom to weigh myself on their scale, it was so loud I almost gave up. Don't worry though, I broke and entered as planned.

Anasazi ATV Logo

My cousin also designed the logo for my uncles ATV tour company. This is who I worked for over the summer. Note the yellow ATV in the logo. They have no yellow ATV's FALSE ADVERTISING

Talented Cousin

I was going through some of my cousin Ken's pictures, and found this one that I thought looked pretty cool. I have always liked western cowboy art stuff. I like his personal spin on it. I have a link to my cousin's blog if you want to check out his other stuff.

Outback Steakhouse Jingle

Hey Davy, are you aware that the Outback Steakhouse jingle is actually an original song by the band Of Montreal called Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games? Except they changed the words from "Let's pretend we don't exist," to "Let's go Outback tonight."

Tool

Another admission: I am a big Tool fan. I know that I should probably have grown out of them a long time ago. But I can't help that I am perpetually stuck in the late 90's. I have liked them since Junior High, and I remember showing Adam Lateralus while I was doing community service to graduate high school. Judge me all you want, but I like Tool and I am so excited that they licensed their music to Guitar Hero. Woo Tool!