So poverty does things to a man. I now realize that over the span of my teenage and adult life, perhaps my entire life, I have eaten for leisure. When you don't have money, you stop eating so much. So I propose a new diet consisting of a maximum of two small meals a day supplemented with massive amounts of diet mtn. dew refills. We will call it "abject poverty". Unhealthy? Probably. But it worked for me! I've lost fifteen pounds. It can work for you too.
Before some cyber-passerby scolds me for being unfeeling towards those who are truly impoverished, may I stress that I am an unemployed college student with a lot of free time and a penchant for silly and/or sarcastic blog posts. So back off. Thank you.